Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 7

First, I’d like to thank the Bachelorette producers for taking last week off for 4^th of July.  Celebrating our nation’s birthday was a welcome distraction from having to watch this train wreck.

I say with no reservations that this is the very first time that I can’t wait for this show to be O-V-E-R. I don’t even care how it’s going to end. I’m not going to win our game. I may have already been mathematically eliminated. The only thing that keeps me going is the previews have led me to believe that she may end up with no one and whoever she does pick doesn’t pick her back. As much as that will be just awful for her, I won’t be able to contain my glee.

Winners

None winners. This is torture. Grammar Police:  I meant to say none. My little buddy, Will, used to say none instead of no when he didn’t have anything. None money.  None ideas. I stole it from him. I like it and actively use it.

Losers

Ames – In a “what were you thinking” move, Ames showed up to the group date in a pair of raspberry sherbet colored pants. Come on, man. You’re trying to date a girl. I didn’t notice until I was trying to get this screen shot that he had a matching watch. Really?!?!

You May Have Missed It

If you couldn’t wait to turn off your TV after the tearful interview of Emily, you may have missed the best moment of the episode. Constantine and Ashley were sitting on a bench and they had placed their love lantern on the ground next to them. Entering screen left was no other than a street dog and you know instantly what is about to happen. The dog approached the lantern, triumphantly lifted his leg and relieved himself on the lantern. In a fit of awesome, Constantine says “That dog pissed on our lantern.” It was a great bit of television.

Loss of Life Hour Count

That would be 7 episodes at 2 hours a pop equals 14 hours of life we’re not getting back. Deal with it.

Bachelor Game Standings

104 – Allison

  98 – Kevin

  94 – Vicki

  94 – Alex

These post-mortems are becoming very tedious, but I’m determined to see it to fruition.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 6

3 words: More poor choices. The tar and feathering of Ashley after her reveal to the guys that Bentley was in Hong Kong was all I had anticipated.  I’m not quite sure what she thought was going to happen, but clearly she didn’t put herself in the guy’s shoes. Roles reversed, I bet money she would have reacted the same way. I knew straight away that it was not going to sit well with those guys and true to form, it went off like Vesuvius.

Winners

Mickey – Kudos for exiting boat left.  I applaud him getting off the crazy train. He was by far the smartest man on the room.

Ben F. and Constantine: Kimono Kings – Way to embrace failure with flare. Loved it. Watch out for a run on red silk kimonos.

Losers

The entire Bachelorette viewing audience - To date, there goes 12 hours of our lives we'll never get back.

Line of the Night

“Who is it?” – Bentley after Ashley knocks on the hotel room door. Really?!?! You’re in Hong Kong. We’re you expecting someone else?

“You could have just called.” – Ashley to Bentley after she “finally” realized the “dot, dot, dot” was actually a period. I’ve been right where Ashley was sitting. When she realized the conversation she and Bentley were having could have happened over the phone, she said exactly what I said to my person. I, of course, handled it much differently. My response was the same “You could have just called”, but I peppered mine with a little unsavory language.

Bush League

I have to say, Ashley swearing at Bentley in a video confessional was low rent. Sister, if you want to cuss someone a blue streak, it stands to reason that the person be in front of you in order to have the maximum desired effect. Granted, one cuss word doesn't make a decent blue streak, but it can be a fair beginning.

If you didn’t cuss him a blue streak and you used this moment to say what you wish you would have said in front of him: FAIL. If you did indeed cuss him a blue streak and the producers chose not to show it: FAIL.  

Bachelor Game Standings

91 – Allison

83 – Kevin

81 – Vicki

68 – Alex - Missed TV Night. He would, again.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 5

Is it too soon or late to say that I don’t even care who Ashley picks, if she picks anyone or if she makes it through the After the Final Rose show without needing a straight jacket? At this point, it is a complete and total train wreck. I can’t look away because at any moment something crazy is going to happen that may, on the off chance, be worth seeing. Plus, what else have we got to watch on Monday nights? Reruns or Train Wreck? Advantage: Train Wreck.   

Winners

ME – Finally, after 5 weeks of waiting, P-E-C-K-S! To say I enjoyed every last minute of the murdering of the art of Muay Thai fighting would be a gross understatement. I sat there staring gape-mouthed at the TV like a large-mouth bass as all those guys paraded across the screen shirtless in those little fight shorts. Redeemed.

Losers

Bachelorette Date Coordinator – Again, poor choices. This has to be the same person who had the idea for the roast. You put 8 guys, boxing gloves, a girl, some roses, testosterone, and all you get is a bad scene and a trip to the hospital. 

William – Finally, you’re over and out. He showed a complete lack of class for someone who is supposed to be 30. He was right when he said “I’m a 30 year old boy.” Enjoy your time in Never Neverland. Spoiler: He will be a contestant on the next season of Bachelor Pad.

Post Fight Commentary

Blake vs. Lucas – There’s not much to say about this one. Of all the fights, they looked like the picked up the technique the best. Blake correctly defended Lucas’ leg kick by grabbing his leg, making Lucas fall to the mat. After that, Blake continued to throw punches and I think Lucas may have tapped out. Winner: Blake

Mickey vs. J.P. – First, this was a poor match-up. Mickey has to have a good 5 or 6 inches on J.P. If that’s true, it would mean that Mickey would have just about that much difference in arm reach. In a word picture, it would be an orangutan fighting a T-Rex.  Despite that, J.P. was scrappy and came back from the brink of defeat to win. Advantage: T-Rex. Winner: J.P.

Ames “The Catfish” vs. Ryan P. “Solar Panel” – Solar Panel pummeled the pacifist inside The Catfish. Ames got his clock cleaned and was sent to the hospital. This fight worked out well for Solar Panel. Judging from last week, a lot or all of the guys are tired of him and probably would have jumped at the chance to knock his lights out. Winner?: Ryan P.

Nick vs. Constantine – Constantine didn’t seem to pose much a threat for Nick. Nick is bigger and in better shape than Constantine, but Nick took a straight right to the face and seemed to be done with this fighting. Winner: Constantine 

Visually Assaulted

Week after week, I am visually assaulted by the excessive display of V-neck t-shirts. Note: This is another reason for my Peck Rain Dance. Yet, more assaulting than the abuse of the V-necks are the short skits on Ashley. Granted, she is a dancer and she does have nice legs despite being bow-legged as a jaybird, however, this in no way means that she needs to wear the shortest skirts made on the planet.  Nobody wants to see your business and we’ve come dangerously close to seeing it on several occasions. If you can’t put your knees together, then skirts might not be the best apparel option for you. Just sayin’.

Bachelor Game Standings

79 – Allison

71 – Kevin

71 – Vicki

68 – Alex – He was tripped up by Nick’s exit.

Kudos to the Bachelorette editors: You had us all fooled with the Group Date Rose. We thought Ashley was sitting with Lucas and left him to go get the rose, but it was Blake.  No bonus points this week.

I can’t wait for next week: Return of Bentley and the aftermath of “Hey guys! By the by, Bentley is here in Hong Kong and we hung out yesterday.” Let the tar and feathering begin!

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 4

I heard Max, a wise gay man on the show, Happy Endings, say “You have to stop focusing on the stuff you had and starting focusing on all the cool new stuff you have.” Word.  Sister, get over it already. You’ve got so many other, and better, guys available for the picking. Just say to yourself, “Bentley, die in a fire”, move on and lock it up already!

Winners 

Ben F. – He, out of my top 3 contenders, made out like a champ during the group date. Smooth move on taking the artistic route to set yourself apart. And he said, “I can’t paint.” Really Ben? That was pretty good looking elephant you painted. Nice trick, liar!

J.P. – He just might have pulled himself ahead of the pack. You can tell Ashley really likes him. The way he went on and on about their 1-on-1 date after the Bentley debacle being perfect was really over the top, but she ate it up. That was until he tried to pick her up off the beach. Really?!?! Ashley is so tee-tiny you can put her in your pocket. Hit the gym, J.P.

Losers

Those with the Hope of Skin – The only redeeming quality of this season would be to take in all the eye candy and the hope of seeing these guys shirtless. In true Bachelorette fashion, we were completely teased with last week’s Hulu preview.

Guess what? FAIL. Imagine if you will, on screen the guys in, what are clearly swimming trunks, and there’s a pool nearby. Plus, Ashley is in a bikini. You’ve got to think, this is it! Finally, after all this Bentley nonsense, we’d see a few nicely chiseled abs, some sculpted biceps, and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair, but no.   I spent a good bit of the time during this portion of the show chanting, “Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks!” to no avail. My Peck Dance didn’t work.

Blake – I called it “Premature Opinionation”. He was all set to tell Ryan P. (AKA: Solar Panel) just how annoying he was for the entire house, but completely and totally chocked. You can’t just sit down and tell someone they grate on your nerves without being ready to bring the evidence.

The rub is that Solar Panel is always on. Of course he’s always on, he’s solar-powered. Someone please press the button on the laugh track.

From out of Nowhere

Ames (AKA: The Catfish) – Can we all say we didn’t see that one coming?!?! I was almost sure that she wasn’t going to give me a rose for 3 reasons:

1. Ames made a comment that he couldn’t even speak because he was too busy taking in the surroundings. How awkward? Which leads to #2.

2. When he and Ashley were in the canoe, not once did she sit facing him. If I like a guy, despite the beautiful surrounding, I would have wanted to be looking at him.

3. I thought at some point Ashley would realize that he is way smarter than her. Guess what? Didn’t

Plus, there was NO affection (that they showed) on any part of the date. She mentioned being comfortable with him, which is a clear indication of a “friend” relationship. The Catfish may be on the way out.

Line of the Night

“I felt a little bit of insecurity.” – Ashley, on her date with Constantine. She would.

"Someone who is devoted." Ashley, in response to Ames' question of what is an intangiable quality you look for in a person. I erupted with the tune, Hopelessly Devoted to You from Grease.

Bachelor Game Standings

59 – Allison

51 – Kevin

51 – Vicki

50 – Alex

It was a complete no-brainer. We all correctly guessed Ben F. for the group date rose and got 8 of the 8 roses right. Talk about predictable.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 3

Again, uggh. I’ll say this…like my good friend Antoine Dodson says, “You are really dumb, for real.” If there was a group of people watching me, Kevin, Allison and Alex watch this episode and they were playing a drinking game for every time one of us said, “You are really dumb, for real”, they’d been as drunk as Cooter Brown.

I said it last week and I will say it again, I really hope they have Ashley on a suicide watch or at the very least, a good therapist. Hopefully, it isn’t the same therapist ole Brad Womack used. Guess what? Might not have worked.

I have no doubt that Ashley thought she felt something this Bentley character. It happens. If he never opened his mouth, I can’t say that I’d shake my fist at him, but then he did indeed open his mouth. What bothers me about it is that she was warned. Now we found out that her information came from last season’s crazy Michelle, but still. The two of them spent the better part of 2 months in close confined quarters. You have to think that some sort of relationship or confidence was formed. Based on that alone, one would think that information sticks with you in the back of your mind and you’ve got to think this guy might not be on the up-and-up.

Granted, crazy Michelle or not, if I had this information, I wouldn’t have let him into the house on the first night. After introducing himself, I would have directed him to a car I had waiting to the left. So we wouldn’t have even got to this point. But for the sake of S&Gs, let’s say if I had been in this situation, it would have gone quite differently. It wouldn’t have been an ugly cry that it was. It would have just been ugly.   

Winners

Nobody – Again, not one of those guys really pulled out of the pack, but then most of the episode was focused on the Bentley debacle.  

Bachelorette Music Coordinator – The organ music that accompanied the shots of Jeff in that dumb mask was genius. I hope that Jeff goes home and makes that his ringtone.

Losers

Bachelorette Date Coordinator - Whoever thought a roast would be a good idea for a group date needs one of two things:

1. A raise. With the train wreck that was that roast, the viewership for this episode was probably through the roof. Genius.

2. Fired on the spot. You’ve got to go for thinking that Ashley could handle anything those guys said. Dumb.

I don’t care if she had the thickest skin in the world, there’s no way Ashley was coming out of that night unscathed. Did any of them remember what happened last season? Ashley was voted Most Likely to be Insecure. Roast = Bad idea.

William – Oh yeah, again. In the Roast of Death, Silly Willy came out smelling like poo. Who does that? The best thing he said all night was “I’m an idiot!” Truer words were never spoken.

Line of the Night

First Place: “Introducing Zoro’s unemployed brother, Jeff Madola.” – Jeffery Ross, Roast Master of the Roast of Death

A close second: “You’ve had all of 15 minutes to talk to this girl and it’s like, “Boop. Here’s my face. You have small tits.” - Ben F.

Officially on the List

Bentley – It is confirmed. Please take your space next to Wes and Justin on the Bachelorette Media Whore List. At worst, you came across to America and beyond as an A #1 prize jerk. At best, you’ve just completed your casting tape for submission to the Bachelor Pad. I think you are a shoe-in.

The bad thing is Bentley and some people will blame it all on editing and submit that the producers spun his words. See that’s the thing, those were HIS words. He said those things. We all saw his lips moving in most of the clips where he spewed his verbal venom. You can’t argue with that. Context or not, it will forever be archived on tape. I hope his daughter never sees this show.

More Poor Choices

Not only did Ashley fall head over heels for Bentley, but in her stay-at-home date with J.P., she chose to forgo her contacts for her glasses. I know you had a horrible day and I’m all for getting comfy, but really?!? This is your first date with J.P.  Throw the guy a bone. You’re letting him see behind the curtain way too early. Lock it up.

Bachelor Game Standings

46 – Allison

38 – Kevin

38 – Vicki

37 – Alex

We all correctly guessed Ryan P. (Solar Panel) for the group date rose and got 8 of the 9 roses right. Allison and I got tripped up by Ames (The Catfish). Alex missed Constantine. It made him really mad when Ashley picked him first. Kevin missed Mickey. What was he thinking? So dumb.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 2

Uggh. Usually this show doesn’t become so taxing right out the gate, but geez! This episode only added more fuel to the fire that burns for how much I am not a fan of Ashley or her being the Bachelorette.

Winners

Nobody - One of my top picks, Ryan P. (Solar Panel), didn’t even get a date. Boo!

If I have to pick someone, I could pick Mickey. He did win the coin toss that put him on the 1-on-1 date with Ashley in Vegas. Then, proceeded to win most of the lame coin tosses they decided to use to propel the direction of their date. Lame. Did I already say that?

Losers

Ashley - At the conclusion of this episode, I can’t help but for feel just a tad sorry for her. They have made her out to be a first class fool. She’s really, or so we’re lead to believe, for this Bentley character and I’m sure she probably did. We’ve all fallen for that kind of guy. I know I have, but I haven’t done it in front of millions of people across the globe. I really hope that it is editing that they done to make us think it. Otherwise, I hope she has a round the clock suicide-watch after seeing the show each Monday.

Now before you go thinking I’ve gone soft on her, hold it right there. This is completely self-inflicted and she’s being paid for it. I just hope for her sake, she’s getting a little bit more money than the others.

William - This guy. He’s chosen to accompany Ashley on the first 1-on-1 date of the season which will take place in Las Vegas. He dodged a wedding bullet, by taking part in a mock Vegas-style wedding. Horrible date, but he’s eating it up like it was filet mignon. He received a rose on the date, but then gloated at the cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. Hey Willy, God don’t like ugly and no one likes a gloater.  He's super cute, but beginning to be a tool.

Las Vegas - Vegas looks less appealing. Good job, Bachelorette producers.

Line of the Night

First Place:  “I’d rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with her.” – Bentley  

You would.

Honorable Mention: “Tickle my pickle.” – Bentley

Hey Bent, what are you? In the 5th grade? Get a clue.

Bachelor Game Standings

33 – Allison: She correctly guessed Bentley for the Group Date Rose. Ugggh!

25 – Kevin

25 – Vicki

24 – Alex: Now, officially in the game.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 1

I’ll say, out the gate, I am not overjoyed to have Ashley as the Bachelorette. She’s a little to peppy all the time and the tone of her voice can be deafening, especially when it reaches the level of a dog whistle. However, this show is a guilty pleasure and can’t even think about missing an episode. Plus, I have to defend by crown as reigning Bachelor Champion. I will charge on and you can’t beat the weekly eye candy.

Ashley

The line of the night: “I want a guy to call me ‘Cupcake’.” Hey Ashley, those are things you keep to yourself. Once you actually snag a man is when you drop the lame nickname suggestion on him. Geez.

Winners

Ryan P. - AKA: Solar Panel - He received the first impression rose. He seems super sweet and not to mention, easy on the eyes. I’d like a cup of that.

Ben F. – With the wine toast straight out of the limo, he gets my vote.  It is agreed that he would be a bit more attractive with a haircut. Maybe he could ask fellow bachelorette hopeful and hairstylist, Stephen, to hook him up.

Other Approved Rose Recipients

Ben C., Blake, Chris D., Constantine, Lucas, Nick, Ryan M., West and William

Losers

Tim – Drunks McDrunkerton: Really?!?! You should have saved ABC some money and stayed home to get FUBAR’ed.  If he hadn’t had so many, as he put it, “cracktails”, he might have had the witty retort of “If that at the pot calling the kettle black?” when Ashley asked if he was drunk. Anyone who watched last season will know that Ashley spent many a group date walking the fine line between buzzed and sloshed.

Jeff – The Masked Superficial Avenger: Again, really?!?! That stunt is completely and totally lame. I wonder if he perused these other mask options before settling in on the one he wore.

Unfortunately, that mask does nothing to hide your lack of personality. She’s going to be very upset with you when you decide to take that mask off, which apparently will not be before you visit the toilet.

Honorable Mention

Anthony – Where did they find him? At a Welcome Back Kotter Look-a-like Reunion?

During his exited interview, I was waiting for him to say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” He’s probably a nice jamook from Jersey, but completely out of place.

Keeping One Eye on You

Bentley – Because there’s always one in every bunch, he is allegedly the latest addition to the Bachelorette Media Whore list which includes Wes (Gillian’s season) and Justin (Ali’s season). Now before we fly off the handle and place his engraved placard on the list permanently, we have to take into consideration the amount of editing that goes on to make this show possible. So for now, despite lots of fuel for the fire from the previews, the jury will still be out.

Bachelor Game Standing

19 – Allison: She correctly guessed Ryan P. for the First Impression Rose which put her in the lead.

15 – Kevin

15 – Vicki

00 – Alex: He missed the show due to an act of football. He would.

25 Things about Me: #18

18. I watch entirely too much television, but love watching it with Allison, Alex and Kevin!

I heart TV. There I said it.

I cannot get enough TV.  The new shows, old shows, reality shows, not so much daytime shows, but definitely nighttime shows. If it’s on, then I’ve got to watch.

Allison, Alex and Kevin and I get together no less than 2 to 3 nights a week, depending on what shows are on. I can’t remember when we started getting together for TV, but I can’t remember when we weren’t.

These are the shows currently in rotation:

Mondays

The Bachelorette - This is our guilty pleasure show and it’s back starting next Monday, May 23rd. We can be honest with each other and say that this show has seen better days. So until they show’s producers decide to put new blood in as the bachelor or bachelorette, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to make it more interesting by developing our own game.

I create a book for each person that contains the pictures of each of the available suitors. There is some space for note-taking and a box for voting. Just before the rose ceremony, we pause the show and select which guys we think she’ll give a rose to. For each correct selection, you get a point. Bonus points are also available if you can correctly pick who will get the group date roses. We collect points each week and at the finale, we use a jeopardy-style wagering system to determine the winner of our game. It’s great fun and can cause quite an uproar in the group. I am the reigning champion, but if you ask Alex, he swears there were shenanigans during the finale and I have an asterisk next to my win. Can you guess who I defeated for the championship?

NOTE: We DO NOT watch this show LIVE. So, don’t text me on Monday nights about it. I don’t want to be disqualified from my own game.

Tuesdays

Glee – We are Gleeks. We love the music and hang on every moment just waiting for all the politically incorrect bombs that could be spoken at any moment.

Raising Hope – If you’re not watching, you should start. It is a hilarious new comedy on FOX that will have you rolling.

The Voice – This show is a breath of fresh air in the genre of singing competitions. The premise is different and the coaches, Adam Levine, Cee-Lo, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton, make for a great TV. I can’t wait to see how it will end.

Wednesdays

American Idol – Duh.

Modern Family – If you’re not watching this show, you’re behind the times. Get with it. Guess what? Funny.

Our TV watching card is about to overload with the addition of the return of So You Think You Can Dance on Thursdays. We’ve decided to bump Wednesdays for Thursday viewing of Modern Family.

Other shows we’ve watched together include, but are not limited to:

The Office

Grey’s Anatomy

Private Practice

Chuck

Heroes (RIP)

Entourage

East Bound and Down

Friday Night Lights (RIP)

24 (RIP)

LOST (RIP and Good Riddance!)

Flight of the Conchords (RIP)

I watch a lot more TV than these shows listed. I don’t have cable at my house, so I employ HULU.com to do all of my TV watching. This is a great site and if you don’t mind waiting 24 hours to see a show, it’s free! Stay tuned for my commentary - Shows You Should Watch, but You’re Probably Not.