An Insidious Epidemic: V-neck T-shirts

My friend, Becky, recently sent me this text.

Knowing me as well as she does, Becky knew I would want to know about this sign of the Apocalypse. Here is what she then sent to me.

I hate, with an unholy rage, V-neck t-shirts. Specifically, I abhor V-neck t-shirts on men.  Every time I see a man in a V-neck t-shirt, I feel like I am being visually assaulted. I want to perform a citizen’s arrest, make them take it off and stand shirtless in shame.

V-neck t-shirts/blouses are alright for women to wear because we have cleavage and for most women, no chest hair. Don’t be mistaken, I support men’s chest hair. It just needs to be locked up and preferably under a suitable crewneck shirt.

Kevin, my friend who loves to wear V-neck t-shirts just to spite me, says he wears these shirts to let his neck breathe. The last time a check a crewneck t-shirt didn’t fit like a turtleneck. You’ve got plenty of room there, Kevin! But upon further reflection of Kevin’s statement, I’ve came up with a V-neck spectrum that would illustrate at what plunge level a V-neck t-shirt would go from being Moderately Unacceptable to Completely Unacceptable. Note: A V-neck t-shirt is never acceptable.

There are lots of other boys/men in my life who, as Kevin, flaunt their V-neck t-shirts in my vicinity. I’ve even been told that they plot against me.

One of my worst fears is that they will all join forces together, throw a party in my honor and when I arrive, all the men in attendance will be wearing V-neck t-shirts. They would call the event "V-necks for Vicki" or "Vicki’s V-neck-palooza".  I shudder at the thought.

This is an insidious epidemic. I am working on starting a foundation that will raise money for a cure: common fashion sense and crewneck t-shirts. Join the cause!

Sidenote: My hatred of the V-neck t-shirt prompted Will, my little buddy who is 9, to give a new meaning to the word V-neck. In a fit of slight rage, which tends to happen when we get together, he looked at me and, from out of nowhere, says, “V-neck no!” I’m assuming that means something along the lines of heck no or worse. We’ll see if that sticks.