Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 5

Is it too soon or late to say that I don’t even care who Ashley picks, if she picks anyone or if she makes it through the After the Final Rose show without needing a straight jacket? At this point, it is a complete and total train wreck. I can’t look away because at any moment something crazy is going to happen that may, on the off chance, be worth seeing. Plus, what else have we got to watch on Monday nights? Reruns or Train Wreck? Advantage: Train Wreck.   

Winners

ME – Finally, after 5 weeks of waiting, P-E-C-K-S! To say I enjoyed every last minute of the murdering of the art of Muay Thai fighting would be a gross understatement. I sat there staring gape-mouthed at the TV like a large-mouth bass as all those guys paraded across the screen shirtless in those little fight shorts. Redeemed.

Losers

Bachelorette Date Coordinator – Again, poor choices. This has to be the same person who had the idea for the roast. You put 8 guys, boxing gloves, a girl, some roses, testosterone, and all you get is a bad scene and a trip to the hospital. 

William – Finally, you’re over and out. He showed a complete lack of class for someone who is supposed to be 30. He was right when he said “I’m a 30 year old boy.” Enjoy your time in Never Neverland. Spoiler: He will be a contestant on the next season of Bachelor Pad.

Post Fight Commentary

Blake vs. Lucas – There’s not much to say about this one. Of all the fights, they looked like the picked up the technique the best. Blake correctly defended Lucas’ leg kick by grabbing his leg, making Lucas fall to the mat. After that, Blake continued to throw punches and I think Lucas may have tapped out. Winner: Blake

Mickey vs. J.P. – First, this was a poor match-up. Mickey has to have a good 5 or 6 inches on J.P. If that’s true, it would mean that Mickey would have just about that much difference in arm reach. In a word picture, it would be an orangutan fighting a T-Rex.  Despite that, J.P. was scrappy and came back from the brink of defeat to win. Advantage: T-Rex. Winner: J.P.

Ames “The Catfish” vs. Ryan P. “Solar Panel” – Solar Panel pummeled the pacifist inside The Catfish. Ames got his clock cleaned and was sent to the hospital. This fight worked out well for Solar Panel. Judging from last week, a lot or all of the guys are tired of him and probably would have jumped at the chance to knock his lights out. Winner?: Ryan P.

Nick vs. Constantine – Constantine didn’t seem to pose much a threat for Nick. Nick is bigger and in better shape than Constantine, but Nick took a straight right to the face and seemed to be done with this fighting. Winner: Constantine 

Visually Assaulted

Week after week, I am visually assaulted by the excessive display of V-neck t-shirts. Note: This is another reason for my Peck Rain Dance. Yet, more assaulting than the abuse of the V-necks are the short skits on Ashley. Granted, she is a dancer and she does have nice legs despite being bow-legged as a jaybird, however, this in no way means that she needs to wear the shortest skirts made on the planet.  Nobody wants to see your business and we’ve come dangerously close to seeing it on several occasions. If you can’t put your knees together, then skirts might not be the best apparel option for you. Just sayin’.

Bachelor Game Standings

79 – Allison

71 – Kevin

71 – Vicki

68 – Alex – He was tripped up by Nick’s exit.

Kudos to the Bachelorette editors: You had us all fooled with the Group Date Rose. We thought Ashley was sitting with Lucas and left him to go get the rose, but it was Blake.  No bonus points this week.

I can’t wait for next week: Return of Bentley and the aftermath of “Hey guys! By the by, Bentley is here in Hong Kong and we hung out yesterday.” Let the tar and feathering begin!

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 4

I heard Max, a wise gay man on the show, Happy Endings, say “You have to stop focusing on the stuff you had and starting focusing on all the cool new stuff you have.” Word.  Sister, get over it already. You’ve got so many other, and better, guys available for the picking. Just say to yourself, “Bentley, die in a fire”, move on and lock it up already!

Winners 

Ben F. – He, out of my top 3 contenders, made out like a champ during the group date. Smooth move on taking the artistic route to set yourself apart. And he said, “I can’t paint.” Really Ben? That was pretty good looking elephant you painted. Nice trick, liar!

J.P. – He just might have pulled himself ahead of the pack. You can tell Ashley really likes him. The way he went on and on about their 1-on-1 date after the Bentley debacle being perfect was really over the top, but she ate it up. That was until he tried to pick her up off the beach. Really?!?! Ashley is so tee-tiny you can put her in your pocket. Hit the gym, J.P.

Losers

Those with the Hope of Skin – The only redeeming quality of this season would be to take in all the eye candy and the hope of seeing these guys shirtless. In true Bachelorette fashion, we were completely teased with last week’s Hulu preview.

Guess what? FAIL. Imagine if you will, on screen the guys in, what are clearly swimming trunks, and there’s a pool nearby. Plus, Ashley is in a bikini. You’ve got to think, this is it! Finally, after all this Bentley nonsense, we’d see a few nicely chiseled abs, some sculpted biceps, and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair, but no.   I spent a good bit of the time during this portion of the show chanting, “Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks!” to no avail. My Peck Dance didn’t work.

Blake – I called it “Premature Opinionation”. He was all set to tell Ryan P. (AKA: Solar Panel) just how annoying he was for the entire house, but completely and totally chocked. You can’t just sit down and tell someone they grate on your nerves without being ready to bring the evidence.

The rub is that Solar Panel is always on. Of course he’s always on, he’s solar-powered. Someone please press the button on the laugh track.

From out of Nowhere

Ames (AKA: The Catfish) – Can we all say we didn’t see that one coming?!?! I was almost sure that she wasn’t going to give me a rose for 3 reasons:

1. Ames made a comment that he couldn’t even speak because he was too busy taking in the surroundings. How awkward? Which leads to #2.

2. When he and Ashley were in the canoe, not once did she sit facing him. If I like a guy, despite the beautiful surrounding, I would have wanted to be looking at him.

3. I thought at some point Ashley would realize that he is way smarter than her. Guess what? Didn’t

Plus, there was NO affection (that they showed) on any part of the date. She mentioned being comfortable with him, which is a clear indication of a “friend” relationship. The Catfish may be on the way out.

Line of the Night

“I felt a little bit of insecurity.” – Ashley, on her date with Constantine. She would.

"Someone who is devoted." Ashley, in response to Ames' question of what is an intangiable quality you look for in a person. I erupted with the tune, Hopelessly Devoted to You from Grease.

Bachelor Game Standings

59 – Allison

51 – Kevin

51 – Vicki

50 – Alex

It was a complete no-brainer. We all correctly guessed Ben F. for the group date rose and got 8 of the 8 roses right. Talk about predictable.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 3

Again, uggh. I’ll say this…like my good friend Antoine Dodson says, “You are really dumb, for real.” If there was a group of people watching me, Kevin, Allison and Alex watch this episode and they were playing a drinking game for every time one of us said, “You are really dumb, for real”, they’d been as drunk as Cooter Brown.

I said it last week and I will say it again, I really hope they have Ashley on a suicide watch or at the very least, a good therapist. Hopefully, it isn’t the same therapist ole Brad Womack used. Guess what? Might not have worked.

I have no doubt that Ashley thought she felt something this Bentley character. It happens. If he never opened his mouth, I can’t say that I’d shake my fist at him, but then he did indeed open his mouth. What bothers me about it is that she was warned. Now we found out that her information came from last season’s crazy Michelle, but still. The two of them spent the better part of 2 months in close confined quarters. You have to think that some sort of relationship or confidence was formed. Based on that alone, one would think that information sticks with you in the back of your mind and you’ve got to think this guy might not be on the up-and-up.

Granted, crazy Michelle or not, if I had this information, I wouldn’t have let him into the house on the first night. After introducing himself, I would have directed him to a car I had waiting to the left. So we wouldn’t have even got to this point. But for the sake of S&Gs, let’s say if I had been in this situation, it would have gone quite differently. It wouldn’t have been an ugly cry that it was. It would have just been ugly.   

Winners

Nobody – Again, not one of those guys really pulled out of the pack, but then most of the episode was focused on the Bentley debacle.  

Bachelorette Music Coordinator – The organ music that accompanied the shots of Jeff in that dumb mask was genius. I hope that Jeff goes home and makes that his ringtone.

Losers

Bachelorette Date Coordinator - Whoever thought a roast would be a good idea for a group date needs one of two things:

1. A raise. With the train wreck that was that roast, the viewership for this episode was probably through the roof. Genius.

2. Fired on the spot. You’ve got to go for thinking that Ashley could handle anything those guys said. Dumb.

I don’t care if she had the thickest skin in the world, there’s no way Ashley was coming out of that night unscathed. Did any of them remember what happened last season? Ashley was voted Most Likely to be Insecure. Roast = Bad idea.

William – Oh yeah, again. In the Roast of Death, Silly Willy came out smelling like poo. Who does that? The best thing he said all night was “I’m an idiot!” Truer words were never spoken.

Line of the Night

First Place: “Introducing Zoro’s unemployed brother, Jeff Madola.” – Jeffery Ross, Roast Master of the Roast of Death

A close second: “You’ve had all of 15 minutes to talk to this girl and it’s like, “Boop. Here’s my face. You have small tits.” - Ben F.

Officially on the List

Bentley – It is confirmed. Please take your space next to Wes and Justin on the Bachelorette Media Whore List. At worst, you came across to America and beyond as an A #1 prize jerk. At best, you’ve just completed your casting tape for submission to the Bachelor Pad. I think you are a shoe-in.

The bad thing is Bentley and some people will blame it all on editing and submit that the producers spun his words. See that’s the thing, those were HIS words. He said those things. We all saw his lips moving in most of the clips where he spewed his verbal venom. You can’t argue with that. Context or not, it will forever be archived on tape. I hope his daughter never sees this show.

More Poor Choices

Not only did Ashley fall head over heels for Bentley, but in her stay-at-home date with J.P., she chose to forgo her contacts for her glasses. I know you had a horrible day and I’m all for getting comfy, but really?!? This is your first date with J.P.  Throw the guy a bone. You’re letting him see behind the curtain way too early. Lock it up.

Bachelor Game Standings

46 – Allison

38 – Kevin

38 – Vicki

37 – Alex

We all correctly guessed Ryan P. (Solar Panel) for the group date rose and got 8 of the 9 roses right. Allison and I got tripped up by Ames (The Catfish). Alex missed Constantine. It made him really mad when Ashley picked him first. Kevin missed Mickey. What was he thinking? So dumb.