Forgive me peeps, it’s been 13 days since my last blog post.
I was recently scolded by Anne, one of my peeps, that it’s been too long since my last blog post. She is currently addicted to my blog which may rivals her addiction the soft drink, TAB.
I have nothing but excuses and here they are:
·My computer contracted the “blue screen of death” and has gone on to the big CPU in the sky.
·Subsequently, the computer I was using to write my blog was attacked by malware and has been wiped of all its programs. I’m thinking this isn’t a good omen.
·Nothing worth noting, Bachelorette included, has happened to me. Shocking, I know.
·Some things have happened, but no amount of “the names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty” would disguise the circumstances. Not everybody can know. I know, elitist.
·Since June 26th, I have been homeless. I’ve been taken in by my kind friends, Tracy and Travis. Why this is an excuse? Well, it just is.
·Not posting a blog for 13 days is my way of saying “Bueller? Bueller?” Guess what? That worked. You like me. You really like me.
I pledge to thee, my peeps, that I will make a more concerted effort to put myself into more calamitous situations that would and could warrant more blog posts. Deal?
Thursday night was the premiere of the final installment in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. Allison, Kevin, Alex and I made plans to see the midnight showing. Now before I proceed any further with telling the tale of Thursday night’s events, I must say that the burden of this calamity lies squarely on the shoulders of Kevin.
The facts are these. I missed seeing the midnight showing of HP7, Part 1 because of a work thing, but the others charged on without me. They saw the movie at the swanky CineBistro which is a movie theater where you can pick your seat, have a fancy dinner and adult beverages. Kevin took issue with having to sit on the second row (probably because they waited until the last minute to purchase their tickets) and having to crane his neck back to see the screen.It was because of this that Kevin was adamant about not returning to the CineBistro to see HP7, Part 2. Allison and I relented to Kevin which I hope he enjoyed because it will probably be the last time.
Instead, we made plans to see the movie at the Centro Ybor Muvico in Ybor City. We picked this location because, for the most part, no one ever goes to the movies there and the only people who frequent Ybor are people who live in the area or college types, especially hipsters. We figured hipsters may think they’re too cool for HP. We purchased our tickets online for the 12:02am showing and decided that we’d get a late dinner before the movie.
We arrived at Centro Ybor around 9:15pm and pull up to the valet. The valet attendant was the first to inform us that there was no electricity in the Muvico. A mild case of panic set in.
However, we decided that we’d wait it out because there was 3 hours to go before the movie and we were assured by a Muvico employee that Tampa Electric was already on the scene.
We ate dinner and then went back to the theater at 10:15pm to discover that the power was still out. We were reassured by Lisa, who had clearly drawn the short straw as she was the only employee out in front of the movie theater, that Tampa Electric was still working on it. It was then we made a poor choice. We left the theater and went downstairs for ice cream. Unbeknownst to us, there was a horde of people gathering above us where we could not see. From our spot inside the ice cream/coffee shop, it looked like a small peaceful mob was forming, but we couldn’t have been more wrong. At 10:45pm, we left the shop to discover the line in the movie wrapped around the courtyard of Centro Ybor, so to the back of the line we went and stood. We tried our best to make light of our predicament.
At 11:45pm, the lights inside the Muvico finally came on which caused an eruption of cheers from the gathered crowd. It was 1:00am when we got into the theater and headed for our seats. Now what blows my mind is that people who had stood in line for as much as 4 hours went straight to the concession stand for popcorn and beverages, but not directly in a “Don’t pass GO. Don’t collect $200.” fashion to their seats. Didn’t they make the correlation that at this late hour the movie wouldn’t start before they were in their seats? Guess what? Didn’t. Meanwhile, it is getting later and later and people are getting more and more agitated.
If you're putting 2 and 2 together, then you know what happens next. Those crackers lost their ever lovin’ minds. Allison and Kevin were the ones to get the best vantage point of the chaos. After sitting in our seats for a time, they went out to get some refreshments. They returned with tales of yelling and the imminent outbreak of fighting. Kevin commented that he wondered if this was anything like Katrina. I assured him that this was probably only like 1/32 of what Katrina was.
Another hour later, the lights in the theater finally dimmed and the previews started. Guess what? No sound. We held out hope that no sound would be limited to the previews, but again, we couldn’t have been more wrong. The movie started and there was still no sound. It was now 2:15am, so we decided to cut our losses and left the theater. Harry Potter was not getting in my brain that night. We were going to try to get refunds, but thought we’d be there for a while since everyone trying to get a refund felt the need to cuss a blue streak at the manager before taking the refund.
So, at 2:15am, we left Centro Ybor with no enjoyment of Harry Potter. Moral of the story kiddos, always overthrow the thoughts and opinions of Kevin.
First, I’d like to thank the Bachelorette producers for taking last week off for 4th of July.Celebrating our nation’s birthday was a welcome distraction from having to watch this train wreck.
I say with no reservations that this is the very first time that I can’t wait for this show to be O-V-E-R. I don’t even care how it’s going to end. I’m not going to win our game. I may have already been mathematically eliminated. The only thing that keeps me going is the previews have led me to believe that she may end up with no one and whoever she does pick doesn’t pick her back. As much as that will be just awful for her, I won’t be able to contain my glee.
None winners. This is torture. Grammar Police: I meant to say none. My little buddy, Will, used to say none instead of no when he didn’t have anything. None money.None ideas. I stole it from him. I like it and actively use it.
Losers
Ames – In a “what were you thinking” move, Ames showed up to the group date in a pair of raspberry sherbet colored pants. Come on, man. You’re trying to date a girl. I didn’t notice until I was trying to get this screen shot that he had a matching watch. Really?!?!
You May Have Missed It
If you couldn’t wait to turn off your TV after the tearful interview of Emily, you may have missed the best moment of the episode. Constantine and Ashley were sitting on a bench and they had placed their love lantern on the ground next to them. Entering screen left was no other than a street dog and you know instantly what is about to happen. The dog approached the lantern, triumphantly lifted his leg and relieved himself on the lantern. In a fit of awesome, Constantine says “That dog pissed on our lantern.” It was a great bit of television.
Loss of Life Hour Count
That would be 7 episodes at 2 hours a pop equals 14 hours of life we’re not getting back. Deal with it.
Bachelor Game Standings
104 – Allison
98 – Kevin
94 – Vicki
94 – Alex
These post-mortems are becoming very tedious, but I’m determined to see it to fruition.
I told you last month that I was asked by iMOM to write some material for an Espresso Minute. Well the moms really liked it. Nancy told me the article I wrote content for was on the list of top 10 views for the week it was posted. Wicked! If only those moms knew.
So, Nancy has asked me to write again. This one may be a little harder, but I’m going to give it the ole child-less try! Stay tuned.
July 4th Week, 2011 will mark the 6th anniversary of my break-up with the Pothead. I will, for the duration of this story, refer to him as the Pothead. For once you are no longer a boyfriend of mine, you cease to have a real name. I’ll give you one guess why he’s called the Pothead. This name is predicated on the fact that if this boy’s eyes were open, he was smoking pot. It was not a redeeming quality of his, obviously, but he had made certain promises and I had hoped he was planning on keeping them. Guess what? He didn’t.
One promise was that he would try to quit smoking and in taking steps to do that, would only smoke at home. Receiving that in the spirit in which it was given, I accepted that as a reasonable compromise. It wasn’t until I’d finally talked him into visiting my Mother that I realized he had no intent of keeping that promise. We made the trip from Tampa to Panama City and stopped at almost every rest stop so he could smoke. I know what you’re thinking - that’s not very safe and you are so right. I thank God everyday for keeping me from harm’s way during this relationship. We charged on and finally made the 5 and a half hour trip in about 7 hours.
Once we got there, the Pothead preceded to mentally and physically check-out of the visit. I didn’t know until later that he had gotten some vicodin to help facilitate that. He would make trips out to his truck to smoke and it was getting to be a little awkward. The first day, my Mother asked, “Why does he go out to his truck so much?” My reply, “He has to talk to his mother.” The next day, Mother says, “He talks to his mother a lot.” My next reply was, “MAMA! He’s smoking pot!” Needless to say, my Mother was furious. She wanted to call the police right then, but I persuaded not to. I wouldn’t be able to get home if he was in jail, plus we were living together at the time and that wouldn’t make for a very happy home life.
We hatched an exit strategy. I would stay in the relationship until the end of our rental lease, which was December (just a reminder, this happened in July). And when it would come time to renew, I would say to him, “I’m going this way and you’re not. Peace.” So it was settled and at the end of our visit, the Pothead and I headed back to Tampa. Once there, I had the rest of the week off, but the Pothead had to go back to work. I spent the better part of the rest of the week thinking about how the next 5 months would go down. I couldn’t even fathom having to go on with this sham of a relationship. I was no longer interested in seeing him, being near him, much less all the other things that you do in a relationship. I had to get out of it, but I knew there would be consequences. The biggest one being that we were probably going to have to still live together for the next 5 months. Thank God we lived in a 3 bedroom house. Side Note:We were living with the Pothead’s friend, who is now my friend, Niki, too.
I’d like to state for the record that I am not usually the one to do the breaking-up. I’m usually the dumpee, but in this case, I did the dumping just in the nick of time and, if I do say so myself, in the grandest of fashions. Once I decided this had to end, I went about making the Pothead’s favorite meal. It was pot roast with potatoes and carrots, gravy, green beans, and biscuits. I alerted Niki to the impending occasion and told her it might be better if she wasn’t there, but not to be gone all night, in case I needed reinforcements. When the Pothead got home, he showered and then made his way to dinner. The place settings were in place and the meal was all laid out. We sat down to dinner. He was seated at the head of the table and I was seated to his left. The conversation was the normal “how was your day” type stuff. It definitely wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, when I couldn’t take it anymore. I loaded my fork with roast and potatoes and as I lifted it, I said to him, “I’m breaking up with you” and quickly inserted the fork into my mouth. He immediately said, “What?” To which I said, “This is happening. I’m done with you.” With that, he went into a tirade, “I can’t believe you fixed this nice meal just to break up with me.” Again I said, “This is happening.” From that point on, as you can imagine, the meal went downhill. He got up and we continued to argue through the putting away of the leftovers and the washing of the dishes. If I’d thought better about it, I should have served the meal on paper plates, that way I could have thrown them away and maybe used it as a visual so that he would understand what was happening. “You are this used, dirty paper plate and I’m throwing you away” but, I only just thought of that.
The meal did, in fact, have the desired effect. It was the nicest way I could send the Pothead off, but he didn’t deserve it.
I’m sure I will write about the next 5 months of that year over time. There are a few other gems from the Pothead Chronic-cals still to be told.
3 words: More poor choices. The tar and feathering of Ashley after her reveal to the guys that Bentley was in Hong Kong was all I had anticipated.I’m not quite sure what she thought was going to happen, but clearly she didn’t put herself in the guy’s shoes. Roles reversed, I bet money she would have reacted the same way. I knew straight away that it was not going to sit well with those guys and true to form, it went off like Vesuvius.
Winners
Mickey – Kudos for exiting boat left. I applaud him getting off the crazy train. He was by far the smartest man on the room.
Ben F. and Constantine: Kimono Kings – Way to embrace failure with flare. Loved it. Watch out for a run on red silk kimonos.
Losers
The entire Bachelorette viewing audience - To date, there goes 12 hours of our lives we'll never get back.
Line of the Night
“Who is it?” – Bentley after Ashley knocks on the hotel room door. Really?!?! You’re in Hong Kong. We’re you expecting someone else?
“You could have just called.” – Ashley to Bentley after she “finally” realized the “dot, dot, dot” was actually a period. I’ve been right where Ashley was sitting. When she realized the conversation she and Bentley were having could have happened over the phone, she said exactly what I said to my person. I, of course, handled it much differently. My response was the same “You could have just called”, but I peppered mine with a little unsavory language.
Bush League
I have to say, Ashley swearing at Bentley in a video confessional was low rent. Sister, if you want to cuss someone a blue streak, it stands to reason that the person be in front of you in order to have the maximum desired effect. Granted, one cuss word doesn't make a decent blue streak, but it can be a fair beginning.
If you didn’t cuss him a blue streak and you used this moment to say what you wish you would have said in front of him: FAIL. If you did indeed cuss him a blue streak and the producers chose not to show it: FAIL.
I liken my current living situation to the plight of the Israelites. I’ve been living in a foreign land and oppressed by the establishment. My Egypt is the Westchase area of Tampa and the establishment is the suburbia family-types. I don’t have a Moses. I just finally came to my senses and after 2 years of a self-imposed incarceration, I’m leaving the Westchase. I am returning to my Promise Land, South Tampa.
I call it my self-imposed incarceration because despite many of my peeps telling me not to move there, I did anyway. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I know now that I should have never left. Lesson learned.
Here are 5 things I will NOT miss about Westchase:
The 30 minute drive to do anything fun – FACT: Fun lies just beyond the distance one could travel from my apartment in 30 minutes. It’s really hard to be spontaneous when you need at least 30 minutes notice.
Speed bumps - I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the deterioration of the Little Red Wonder’s motor mounts was caused by the obnoxious number of speed bumps. There would be no need for speed bumps if the parents located in this suburbia would do a better job of corralling their children. V. Grimes’ Parenting Tip #56: Don’t encourage your children to play in the streets unsupervised. It’s common sense really.
The elephants that lived above me - I never got my peepers on them, but they had to be the only humans that have lead-coated feet.
The looming outbreak of a holy war – That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Vultures – It is amazing and scary to me how many vultures swarm around Westchase. On any given day you can see anywhere from 1 to a pack of 20 hovering over a dead carcass.It really should be the official mascot. Also, Allison said that driving out to my place seemed like the drive one would take if they had murdered someone and needed a secluded place to dump the body. I’m sure that’s another reason for the existence of vultures in Westchase.
Much like the Israelites, I’m not headed directly to the Promise Land, but don’t be alarmed. My exodus is not going to last 40 years. I only have 5 weeks to wait before I can move into my new place.
Is it too soon or late to say that I don’t even care who Ashley picks, if she picks anyone or if she makes it through the After the Final Rose show without needing a straight jacket? At this point, it is a complete and total train wreck. I can’t look away because at any moment something crazy is going to happen that may, on the off chance, be worth seeing. Plus, what else have we got to watch on Monday nights? Reruns or Train Wreck? Advantage: Train Wreck.
Winners
ME – Finally, after 5 weeks of waiting, P-E-C-K-S! To say I enjoyed every last minute of the murdering of the art of Muay Thai fighting would be a gross understatement. I sat there staring gape-mouthed at the TV like a large-mouth bass as all those guys paraded across the screen shirtless in those little fight shorts. Redeemed.
Losers
Bachelorette Date Coordinator – Again, poor choices. This has to be the same person who had the idea for the roast. You put 8 guys, boxing gloves, a girl, some roses, testosterone, and all you get is a bad scene and a trip to the hospital.
William – Finally, you’re over and out. He showed a complete lack of class for someone who is supposed to be 30. He was right when he said “I’m a 30 year old boy.” Enjoy your time in Never Neverland. Spoiler: He will be a contestant on the next season of Bachelor Pad.
Post Fight Commentary
Blake vs. Lucas – There’s not much to say about this one. Of all the fights, they looked like the picked up the technique the best. Blake correctly defended Lucas’ leg kick by grabbing his leg, making Lucas fall to the mat. After that, Blake continued to throw punches and I think Lucas may have tapped out. Winner: Blake
Mickey vs. J.P. – First, this was a poor match-up. Mickey has to have a good 5 or 6 inches on J.P. If that’s true, it would mean that Mickey would have just about that much difference in arm reach. In a word picture, it would be an orangutan fighting a T-Rex. Despite that, J.P. was scrappy and came back from the brink of defeat to win. Advantage: T-Rex. Winner: J.P.
Ames “The Catfish” vs. Ryan P. “Solar Panel” – Solar Panel pummeled the pacifist inside The Catfish. Ames got his clock cleaned and was sent to the hospital. This fight worked out well for Solar Panel. Judging from last week, a lot or all of the guys are tired of him and probably would have jumped at the chance to knock his lights out. Winner?: Ryan P.
Nick vs. Constantine – Constantine didn’t seem to pose much a threat for Nick. Nick is bigger and in better shape than Constantine, but Nick took a straight right to the face and seemed to be done with this fighting. Winner: Constantine
Visually Assaulted
Week after week, I am visually assaulted by the excessive display of V-neck t-shirts. Note: This is another reason for my Peck Rain Dance. Yet, more assaulting than the abuse of the V-necks are the short skits on Ashley. Granted, she is a dancer and she does have nice legs despite being bow-legged as a jaybird, however, this in no way means that she needs to wear the shortest skirts made on the planet.Nobody wants to see your business and we’ve come dangerously close to seeing it on several occasions. If you can’t put your knees together, then skirts might not be the best apparel option for you. Just sayin’.
Bachelor Game Standings
79 – Allison
71 – Kevin
71 – Vicki
68 – Alex – He was tripped up by Nick’s exit.
Kudos to the Bachelorette editors: You had us all fooled with the Group Date Rose. We thought Ashley was sitting with Lucas and left him to go get the rose, but it was Blake. No bonus points this week.
I can’t wait for next week: Return of Bentley and the aftermath of “Hey guys! By the by, Bentley is here in Hong Kong and we hung out yesterday.” Let the tar and feathering begin!
Joe and I always have a really hard time thinking of gifts for Daddy. What do you get for the man who has everything or gets what he wants when he wants it? It’s so hard that we have resorted to giving a Home Depot gift card at every major gift-giving event. We don’t like doing it because it seems like a cop-out, but we also know it is exactly what he wants. See Daddy is real handy at fixing things and making things out of wood, so Home Depot is his heaven.
Trying to break these old habits, I really wanted to do something different. I got to thinking about the “old” days and the things we used to do together when it was just the three of us. My parents divorced in my early teen years. Joe and I lived with Mother, but spent weeks in the summer with Daddy. At the time, Daddy was in the Army and stationed at Fort Gordon in Augusta, GA. When it was time for us to stay with him, he would travel to Montgomery, pick us up from our Papa’s house and take us to Augusta. We made many trips from Montgomery to Augusta with him over the years and no trip was ever complete without a stop in Atlanta for a Braves game or two. With that, our Father’s Day gift was a no-brainer.
This Father’s Day, Joe and I took Daddy to a Braves game, just the three of us. The last time we were there together, the Braves were still in Atlanta Fulton County Stadium. I believe it may have been the summer of 1991. That year, the Braves roster held such names as Mark Lemke, Terry Pendleton, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, David Justice, Ron Gant, and one Deion Sanders.
Joe got to pick the seats and he put us in left field, which just missed putting us in the shade. It was as hot as the blazes of hell in Atlanta that day and the sun was right over us. We felt like we were sitting under the heat lamp. After a couple of strategic moves, we finally found ourselves a cool place in the shade with an occasional breeze.
Despite the heat, it was a great game. The Braves beat the Texas Rangers 4-2 and saved the series sweep. My new favorite Brave, #5 Freddie Freeman, went 3 for 4 with 1 RBI and was named the player of the game. Freddie hit a fly ball to deep left field which bounced off the warning track and over the fence for a ground rule double. The game saving catch was made by leftfielder, Nate McLouth. Left field ended up being the place to be.
Daddy kept saying that this would be a memorable Father’s Day and it will be. We had the best time just being together, like old times.
Where would I be without my Daddy? I don’t even want to know, but here are a few things I do know I wouldn’t have.
I wouldn’t have my name. Daddy’s middle name is Vicky and Mother’s middle name is Lorraine, giving me my name, Vicki Lorraine. Now you may notice that it isn’t spelled the same and that's because Mother preferred it this way. Then, you might be thinking that Vicky is an odd name for a boy. True, but, from what I’ve been told, he got that name because of a clerical error at the hospital where he was born. It was supposed to be Vickery, which was a family name, but somehow a few letters fell off or Granny Grimes accent was really bad. Either way, it worked out well for me. I have a fantastic name.
I wouldn’t know what the weather was like in Montgomery. Who needs TV or fancy phones that will tell you what the weather is like all over the globe? I have my Daddy. He and I always talk on Sundays. It’s usually around 7:30pm or 8:00pm ET and when the phone rings, I need to answer. If I don’t, then his mind tends to wander and thoughts of me laying dead in a ditch creep in. When I answer, the first thing discussed is always the weather.
I wouldn’t have my love for the Alabama Crimson Tide. Daddy and I have shared love for the Crimson Tide. Sunday’s calls during football season, after we’ve discussed the weather, of course, we talk about Saturday’s game. He and I went to our first Alabama game together in 2008 at the inaugural Chick-fil-A Kick-off Classic in Atlanta. Alabama played Clemson, who was picked to win the game and also the projected winner of the ACC Championship. Guess what? They didn’t do either. Score was 34-10 and Clemson went 4-4 in the ACC. As Ray Goff would say, Alabama “took ’em behind the woodshed.” Roll Tide!
I wouldn’t have a strong sense of family. I’m not the only person who gets a call on Sundays. Daddy talks to Joe and his two brothers like clockwork. Daddy calls them or they call him. My cousin, Carla, jokes about how she knows when the brothers are on the phone with each other. First, it’s the weather, then Alabama football, when in season, and then politics. Throw in a joke or story about the family and you’ve been there. See a pattern forming?
Reunions are also very important. We have two reunions each year, one for my grandmother’s side of the family and one for my grandfather’s side. Both of Daddy’s parents passed away when Joe and I were very young, so for us, these reunions keep us connected with our family. I make an effort to travel up for them when I can, despite being one of two family members who live the farthest from the gathering places.
I wouldn’t have beautiful pieces of handmade furniture that make my friends jealous. Daddy is, as my best good friend, Allison would say, as handy as a shirt pocket. I would consider him a master wood craftsman. He can create, make, or fix just about anything. He made me an armoire and a hall tree for my house. He took the columns of the front of his house and made a four-poster king size bed out of them. People are always asking him to build things and if you ask nice, most times he will.
My Daddy has a lot of other qualities. He’s funny, smart, generous and loyal. He’s a devoted husband to his wife, Terry. He speaks his mind, but can hold his tongue, too. He’s willing to do whatever he can to help others. Along with being devilishly handsome, he’s one cool guy. I could go on and on, but I think you can tell I love him and I think I’ll keep him.
Zac Brown Band’s song, Highway 20 Ride, always makes me think of Daddy and how much I know he loves me. The song about a divorced father who travels to pick up his son and the thoughts that go through his mind during the ride. The songwriter got his inspiration while driving along Interstate 20 between Atlanta, Georgia and the Georgia/South Carolina state line in Augusta, Georgia to drop off his son, so that his mother could pick him up.
When our parents divorced, Joe and I lived with our mother. During the summer, we would stay with Daddy. We lived in Florida, so he would come and pick us up at our Papa’s house in Montgomery. The lyrics of this song hit me right in my tender hearted places because Daddy would travel I-20 from Augusta to Montgomery to come and get to us.
When I hear the first chingles of this song, it gets me every time - straight waterworks. I recently saw ZBB in concert and I literally lost my mind when Zac began to sing. Thank God I had my sunglasses on because I could tell it was one of those ugly cries. WARNING: You’re going to want to grab a tissue.
Daddy, I do smile when you cross my mind. I love you dearly. Happy Father’s Day.
I started my blog in part because of some prodding by a co-worker of mine, Nancy. I like her because, besides being one of the coolest ladies I know, she thinks I’m really funny and have a comical take on things. With that in mind, she asked me to write some material for our daily email, iMOM Espresso Minute. Espresso Minute is a quick email that has parenting advice to help moms make the most of the time they spend with their children. I couldn’t believe it and when I told some of my friends about it, they belly laughed.
What you may or may not know about me is that I have a firm stance on children: I like the kids I like, period. This means, on the whole of the children collective, I’m not a fan. And as you can imagine, it is a short list of names. There are often times when one or two names can come off, but they tend to make it back on after I’ve put some space between us.
So Nancy asked me to write some funny things about being a mother and the scenarios in which they might be stressed or “mommed” out in a “You Might Be a Redneck”-type style. I have to admit, she gave me a week to do it, but in going back to my school days, I put off this homework until the very last minute. I thought it was going to be difficult, seeing as how I am neither a mother nor anywhere close to being a mother. Yet, once I started thinking about my friends who are moms or about what I might experience when I become a mom who is a recovering child-disliker, the ideas flowed like water. In all, I turned in 45 “You Might be Mommed Out” scenarios. All of them couldn’t make the email. I mean, it is the Espresso Minute, not the Espresso 15-minute. Check it out!
Here are the ones that ended up on the editing floor.
You Might be Mommed Out
Your children answer to the names Stop, No and Wait until your father gets home.
Your garden tub looks more like a toy box than a relaxing oasis.
You actually finish a sentence and don’t know what to do next because you weren’t interrupted by your child’s quick fire of “Mom, Mom, Mom.”
You wake from a deep sleep, sit straight up in the bed and think to yourself, “It’s too quiet. Someone must be up to something.”
Wishing just once you could send your child into the world wearing a clear plastic wrap school uniform.
You consider it a good day when everyone is dressed and ready to go on time, even if they don’t match.
Your favorite beverages have been replaced in the fridge by juice boxes and organic milk.
You think to yourself, “When did I replace the playground jungle gym?”
For a hot second, you think that it might be better if your children where attached to you with a retractable cord, but then it passes.
You’re best friend is Mr. Sad Spoon.
You’ve almost mistaken your child for a ripe carrot that needs to be pulled from the earth.
The only spare space on the back of your vehicle is just big enough to see through the rearview mirror.
You’re on a first name basis with the check-out people at your grocery store.
Your family’s only dining out experiences happen on Tuesdays.
The phrase that makes music to your ears is “Daddy’s on vacation this week!”
You can remember when you ran for exercise sake.
Your journey to bed goes through your child’s room.
Your child’s potty breaks are scheduled.
You rue the day you decided to only use cloth diapers.
To you, no sweeter words were uttered to your child than “You’re going to stay at Grandma’s for a few days.”
Are you guilty? I know I will be. Like I said, I don’t have any children and I will be asking for your prayers when I do. When the day comes that I do bring forth a child, God help us all.
Madison and I have loved this show ever since the pilot of season 1. Once we finally got word back in September of last year that it was renewed for a second season, we were ecstatic. I immediately marked that date on my calendar. So, we have been waiting this premiere for a quite some time.
With that said, I’ll submit right upfront that I was a little disturbed by the amount of weight Jason Lee has shed since the end of last season. In most of the publicity photos and season sneak peeks, he looked like a Q-tip (big head, little body), but I was charging on. I love the Jason Lee and his character, Dwight Hendricks.
My worst fears were realized. I’ll set the scene. It is the morning after a fallen police officer’s wake. We find Dwight hung over from the said wake where in which he began a rousing acapella rendition of When the Saints Go Marchin’ In. He is passed out on his couch snuggling his Gibson guitar. There is a knock on the door. It brings Dwight to life. As he turns to get off the couch to answer the door, we see that he has no pants on, but he seems to be wearing something that look like boxers. Sadly, they were not boxers, but alas they were jockey shorts.
Why is it a sad day for jockey shorts you may ask? Jockey shorts on the right physique can be quite becoming. Worn properly, they tend to hug in all the right places. Unfortunately, this pair hung on Jason Lee like sheets on a clothes line. They just hung off of his slender frame, flapping with the passing breeze. They didn't do one good thing for him. This sighting could have potentially tarnished the good name of jockey shorts everywhere. Unacceptable, at all times. I have thought about giving the producers the benefit of the doubt and would like to think that they were keeping it clean for a family show, but that quickly passed.
I’m glad to report that I was not the only one to think this. On the Memphis Beat’s Facebook fan page, there was an outpouring of similar sentiments. I’m hoping that this will encourage Jason to beef up and redeem the glory of the jockey shorts.
I heard Max, a wise gay man on the show, Happy Endings, say “You have to stop focusing on the stuff you had and starting focusing on all the cool new stuff you have.” Word. Sister, get over it already. You’ve got so many other, and better, guys available for the picking. Just say to yourself, “Bentley, die in a fire”, move on and lock it up already!
Winners
Ben F. – He, out of my top 3 contenders, made out like a champ during the group date. Smooth move on taking the artistic route to set yourself apart. And he said, “I can’t paint.” Really Ben? That was pretty good looking elephant you painted. Nice trick, liar!
J.P. – He just might have pulled himself ahead of the pack. You can tell Ashley really likes him. The way he went on and on about their 1-on-1 date after the Bentley debacle being perfect was really over the top, but she ate it up. That was until he tried to pick her up off the beach. Really?!?! Ashley is so tee-tiny you can put her in your pocket. Hit the gym, J.P.
Losers
Those with the Hope of Skin – The only redeeming quality of this season would be to take in all the eye candy and the hope of seeing these guys shirtless. In true Bachelorette fashion, we were completely teased with last week’s Hulu preview.
Guess what? FAIL. Imagine if you will, on screen the guys in, what are clearly swimming trunks, and there’s a pool nearby. Plus, Ashley is in a bikini. You’ve got to think, this is it! Finally, after all this Bentley nonsense, we’d see a few nicely chiseled abs, some sculpted biceps, and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair, but no. I spent a good bit of the time during this portion of the show chanting, “Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks!” to no avail. My Peck Dance didn’t work.
Blake – I called it “Premature Opinionation”. He was all set to tell Ryan P. (AKA: Solar Panel) just how annoying he was for the entire house, but completely and totally chocked. You can’t just sit down and tell someone they grate on your nerves without being ready to bring the evidence.
The rub is that Solar Panel is always on. Of course he’s always on, he’s solar-powered. Someone please press the button on the laugh track.
From out of Nowhere
Ames (AKA: The Catfish) – Can we all say we didn’t see that one coming?!?! I was almost sure that she wasn’t going to give me a rose for 3 reasons:
1. Ames made a comment that he couldn’t even speak because he was too busy taking in the surroundings. How awkward? Which leads to #2.
2. When he and Ashley were in the canoe, not once did she sit facing him. If I like a guy, despite the beautiful surrounding, I would have wanted to be looking at him.
3. I thought at some point Ashley would realize that he is way smarter than her. Guess what? Didn’t
Plus, there was NO affection (that they showed) on any part of the date. She mentioned being comfortable with him, which is a clear indication of a “friend” relationship. The Catfish may be on the way out.
Line of the Night
“I felt a little bit of insecurity.” – Ashley, on her date with Constantine. She would.
"Someone who is devoted." Ashley, in response to Ames' question of what is an intangiable quality you look for in a person. I erupted with the tune, Hopelessly Devoted to You from Grease.
Bachelor Game Standings
59 – Allison
51 – Kevin
51 – Vicki
50 – Alex
It was a complete no-brainer. We all correctly guessed Ben F. for the group date rose and got 8 of the 8 roses right. Talk about predictable.
Again, uggh. I’ll say this…like my good friend Antoine Dodson says, “You are really dumb, for real.” If there was a group of people watching me, Kevin, Allison and Alex watch this episode and they were playing a drinking game for every time one of us said, “You are really dumb, for real”, they’d been as drunk as Cooter Brown.
I said it last week and I will say it again, I really hope they have Ashley on a suicide watch or at the very least, a good therapist. Hopefully, it isn’t the same therapist ole Brad Womack used. Guess what? Might not have worked.
I have no doubt that Ashley thought she felt something this Bentley character. It happens. If he never opened his mouth, I can’t say that I’d shake my fist at him, but then he did indeed open his mouth. What bothers me about it is that she was warned. Now we found out that her information came from last season’s crazy Michelle, but still. The two of them spent the better part of 2 months in close confined quarters. You have to think that some sort of relationship or confidence was formed. Based on that alone, one would think that information sticks with you in the back of your mind and you’ve got to think this guy might not be on the up-and-up.
Granted, crazy Michelle or not, if I had this information, I wouldn’t have let him into the house on the first night. After introducing himself, I would have directed him to a car I had waiting to the left. So we wouldn’t have even got to this point. But for the sake of S&Gs, let’s say if I had been in this situation, it would have gone quite differently. It wouldn’t have been an ugly cry that it was. It would have just been ugly.
Winners
Nobody – Again, not one of those guys really pulled out of the pack, but then most of the episode was focused on the Bentley debacle.
Bachelorette Music Coordinator – The organ music that accompanied the shots of Jeff in that dumb mask was genius. I hope that Jeff goes home and makes that his ringtone.
Losers
Bachelorette Date Coordinator - Whoever thought a roast would be a good idea for a group date needs one of two things:
1. A raise. With the train wreck that was that roast, the viewership for this episode was probably through the roof. Genius.
2. Fired on the spot. You’ve got to go for thinking that Ashley could handle anything those guys said. Dumb.
I don’t care if she had the thickest skin in the world, there’s no way Ashley was coming out of that night unscathed. Did any of them remember what happened last season? Ashley was voted Most Likely to be Insecure. Roast = Bad idea.
William – Oh yeah, again. In the Roast of Death, Silly Willy came out smelling like poo. Who does that? The best thing he said all night was “I’m an idiot!” Truer words were never spoken.
Line of the Night
First Place: “Introducing Zoro’s unemployed brother, Jeff Madola.” – Jeffery Ross, Roast Master of the Roast of Death
A close second: “You’ve had all of 15 minutes to talk to this girl and it’s like, “Boop. Here’s my face. You have small tits.” - Ben F.
Officially on the List
Bentley – It is confirmed. Please take your space next to Wes and Justin on the Bachelorette Media Whore List. At worst, you came across to America and beyond as an A #1 prize jerk. At best, you’ve just completed your casting tape for submission to the Bachelor Pad. I think you are a shoe-in.
The bad thing is Bentley and some people will blame it all on editing and submit that the producers spun his words. See that’s the thing, those were HIS words. He said those things. We all saw his lips moving in most of the clips where he spewed his verbal venom. You can’t argue with that. Context or not, it will forever be archived on tape. I hope his daughter never sees this show.
More Poor Choices
Not only did Ashley fall head over heels for Bentley, but in her stay-at-home date with J.P., she chose to forgo her contacts for her glasses. I know you had a horrible day and I’m all for getting comfy, but really?!? This is your first date with J.P. Throw the guy a bone. You’re letting him see behind the curtain way too early. Lock it up.
Bachelor Game Standings
46 – Allison
38 – Kevin
38 – Vicki
37 – Alex
We all correctly guessed Ryan P. (Solar Panel) for the group date rose and got 8 of the 9 roses right. Allison and I got tripped up by Ames (The Catfish). Alex missed Constantine. It made him really mad when Ashley picked him first. Kevin missed Mickey. What was he thinking? So dumb.
