Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 6

3 words: More poor choices. The tar and feathering of Ashley after her reveal to the guys that Bentley was in Hong Kong was all I had anticipated.  I’m not quite sure what she thought was going to happen, but clearly she didn’t put herself in the guy’s shoes. Roles reversed, I bet money she would have reacted the same way. I knew straight away that it was not going to sit well with those guys and true to form, it went off like Vesuvius.

Winners

Mickey – Kudos for exiting boat left.  I applaud him getting off the crazy train. He was by far the smartest man on the room.

Ben F. and Constantine: Kimono Kings – Way to embrace failure with flare. Loved it. Watch out for a run on red silk kimonos.

Losers

The entire Bachelorette viewing audience - To date, there goes 12 hours of our lives we'll never get back.

Line of the Night

“Who is it?” – Bentley after Ashley knocks on the hotel room door. Really?!?! You’re in Hong Kong. We’re you expecting someone else?

“You could have just called.” – Ashley to Bentley after she “finally” realized the “dot, dot, dot” was actually a period. I’ve been right where Ashley was sitting. When she realized the conversation she and Bentley were having could have happened over the phone, she said exactly what I said to my person. I, of course, handled it much differently. My response was the same “You could have just called”, but I peppered mine with a little unsavory language.

Bush League

I have to say, Ashley swearing at Bentley in a video confessional was low rent. Sister, if you want to cuss someone a blue streak, it stands to reason that the person be in front of you in order to have the maximum desired effect. Granted, one cuss word doesn't make a decent blue streak, but it can be a fair beginning.

If you didn’t cuss him a blue streak and you used this moment to say what you wish you would have said in front of him: FAIL. If you did indeed cuss him a blue streak and the producers chose not to show it: FAIL.  

Bachelor Game Standings

91 – Allison

83 – Kevin

81 – Vicki

68 – Alex - Missed TV Night. He would, again.

The Rest of the Fence

No, I’m not writing to tell you that Don has completely fenced the rest of his property line. Many of my peeps have asked me about this fence, so I did a little bit more investigating into the story to come up with, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the fence story.

When I first started writing this story for my blog, I had intended to come up with my own version since the details from Mother were scarce. Here’s what I was thinking…

The story opens as a song begins. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd at time stamp 4:40, blaring from stereo inside a blue late model Ford F-150.

While out on his riding lawn mower, cutting his 3-acre plot of land, Don spied Roni taking in the afternoon breeze on her front porch. It was easy to see her as she lived in the house directly across the street from his. She was holding a mason jar and drinking what Don could only assume was sweet ice tea, since it was two o’clock in the afternoon and surely, Roni was a lady. The sight of her was breath-taking as she fanned herself with the flattened wine cooler carton. He had to go to her.

He dismounted his John Deere. With his hands, Don brushed back the feathers of his freshly cut mullet and checked his reflection in the chrome of his pick-up’s hub caps. He made his way across the street and as soon as his feet touched Roni’s property line, it was all she wrote for Don.

It was a whirlwind romance with long walks along Deer Pointe Lake, late nights at the Moose Lodge and the motorcycle rides along Front Beach Road. Their love would not be limited by the asphalt that separated their houses.

 

One night just after polishing off a box of Chablis, Roni, in a pink-tinted haze, thought she saw Don pull up at his house across the street. She gathered herself and ran, as best she could, to meet him. Assuming it was Don, she grabbed the man and began to kiss him violently in the front yard. Unbeknownst to Roni, the pink figure of a man she was kissing was, in fact, not Don, but Don’s half-brother’s cousin, Randy.  

Before Roni could know her folly, Don pulled up just as she launched herself into Randy’s arms.  Don, rocked with anguish, removed Roni from Randy’s arms and then proceeded to punch Randy, in the gut, just because.  The altercation sent Roni’s vision back to color. She realized what had happened, but it was too late. Don was done with her.  Later, Don and Randy would share a beer.

The next morning, Roni awoke to the site of an unfinished fence marring her sightline to Don's house. It was a statement.
Roni would forever be banished to the other side of the street and eternally separated by the fence and the asphalt between their property lines.

End scene.

Now, the real rest of the fence story: Unfortunately, life is rarely as fantastical as I imagine. I assumed that because Don put up the fence, he had been the one in the relationship to have been ill-treated. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Apparently, after a short courtship, Don asked Roni to marry him. She had said yes, but when Don announced that she would get down on her hands and knees to scrub his kitchen floor, Roni thought better of it. She broke off the engagement and that’s when Don put up the fence.

Allegedly, Don has now added somewhere on his property a video camera pointed straight at Roni’s house and is recording all the goings-on over there. Mother said she has tried several attempts to inconspicuously crane her neck to try and find it, but to no avail.

Another tidbit: Roni breeds Pomeranian dogs on the side. It is also alleged that Don poisoned and killed her stud. Guess what? Creepy. The next thing you know, Mother’s street will be on an episode of Bay County's version of Cops. I’ll keep you posted.

New Kind of Hater Blocker

I was at my mother’s house this past weekend for Mother’s Day. I got in really late on Thursday night and missed noticing the fencing her neighbor had put up since I’d last been there. Now you might be asking yourself, “Vicki, so what? What’s so interesting about this fence?” Well, I’ll tell you.

Normally when someone puts up a fence at their home, they put it around the perimeter of their property. Well, Mother’s neighbor erected about an 8 foot section of 12 foot tall fencing smack dab in the center of his front yard along the road.

From the road, this fencing completely blocks the view of the front of his house.

I thought it strange, so I asked Mother if she knew why her neighbor would put up such an odd sizing of fence. She just so happened to know the story because a lady that she works with is a friend of one of the players in the story.

Now, I don’t know their names, but for the sake of narrative, I’m going to call the man, Don and the woman, Roni, short for Veronica. Here’s how the story goes as told by Mother and literary license taken by me:

Don, who lives in the house behind the fence, was dating Roni, who lives in the house directly across the street from the fence. Their love, as often happens, turned sour and that is when Don put up the fence.  

Short story, I know, but so many questions come to mind when I think about this fence.

·         Who broke up with whom?

·         If Don broke up with Roni, then does the fence block the sight of her for fear he might throw up a little in his mouth every time he sees her?

·         If Roni broke up with Don, then does the fence block the unrequited love Don still has for Roni?

·         What’s going on behind that fence?

·         If Don broke up with Roni, then by putting up the fence is Don keeping his current goings-on private for fear of retaliation?

·         If Roni broke up with Don, then by putting up the fence is Don trying to block out all memory of her and doing his best to move on by having wild parties in his front yard? 

·         Do you think Don stands behind the fence and shakes his fist at Roni?

·         Do you think that Roni sits in her house across the street and wishes that fence would fall on Don?

·         Do you think that Don regrets crossing the street?

·         Do you think Roni regrets not picking up her shotgun at the sight of Don crossing the street?

·         Do you think that the fencing is compensating for something? Hey, Don?

All things considered that fence has got to be one of the greatest things I’ve seen and there are times I wish I had a fence.  I’d like to think that fence stands as a daily reminder of an eloquently phrased set of words tender ears should never hear. Well played, Don. Well played.

A New Homeopathic Advil?!?

Today, I received from Madison an interesting link to an article entitled #@*! Swearing really is a powerful painkiller. The article states that in times of pain, you can feel better by letting the a few colorful words fly. Let me first say that I do not advocate cursing/swearing. Do I swear? Yes, on occasion, but not near as often as I used to. I came under conviction when a man swore in front of me and then apologized. In response to his apology, I replied, “No need to apologize. I’ve heard worse and better yet, I probably said worse.” I knew then it was time for a swearing intervention.

My worse place for swearing is in the car. People have such a hard time obeying the rules of the road and showing common courtesy. I’ve taken to replacing salty language with yelling at the top of my lungs, “NOT NICE!!!” The yelling is often accompanied by a point at the perpetrator and then a fist shake. It doesn’t have the effect that I wish it had, although the fist shake is off-putting. Sometimes I can’t take my hands of the wheel, so I tend to shake my head or just do the obvious side-way “Really?!?!” look.

My favorite line from the article is “Interestingly, women reported feeling less pain after swearing a blue streak.” Agreed.