The Little Book of Vicki-isms: When mere words fail…

I am rarely at a loss for something to say and I have some frequent go-to phrases. These phrases have been coined by my co-worker peeps as Vicki-isms.

A lady that I worked was leaving and everyone was to put something into a treasure box so she could take it with her to remember us by. I thought it only fitting to compile these Vicki-isms into a handy book she could keep as a reference guide. Here’s what she got:

I shake my fist at you: Use with the accompanying clinched fist shake. Appropriate use is when someone has done something you don’t like. It should be said with teeth clinched and much indignation. Best use of this gesture: in traffic. It throws off your target because they are not expecting it. Sometimes, I even point at them before shaking my fist.

Hold please: Use when someone has asked a question and you need to search for the answer. Perfect Scenario: Say hold please and never get back to them.

Self-inflicted: Use when someone complains about a circumstance they put themselves in. It should be delivered in an “I told you so” tone.

You get the finger: Use in place of finger pointing. Common miscommunication: People mistaking the phrase for a certain hand gesture. I didn’t say which finger you get!

You would: Use in any scenario. Examples include but are not limited to:

I like this ice cream. You would. I’m going to see Twilight, again. You would. I’d like to give you a call sometime. You would. I’ll be working late. You would. I’m going to need surgery. You would.

The possibilities are endless with this one. It may warrant its’ own blog entry: The use and abuse of you would – The Alex English Story.

Guess what? ______: This phrase was given to me by Big Bob Stokes. Usage of this phrase is tricky because it is not situation specific. The line at the end of the phrase is to insert the word that fits.

One application is after someone says they thought something. Example:  I thought Calvin took out the trash. Guess what? Didn’t or I thought you were going to the party. Guess what? Ain’t

An alternate application is to point out something about someone. Add a gesture by pointing your thumb.

Original example by Big Bob Stokes as he was sitting next to a lady who had been partaking of some adult beverages: Guess what? Drunk, but you can use any adjective that fits your situation: pretty, ugly, late, smart, dumb, etc.

I’m going to punch you in the throat: Use to convey to someone just how mad you are and how much pain you are willing to enact. Not to be confused with punching someone in the face. Punching in the throat hurts way worse.

I need it in my life: Use when you’ve just got to have something. Most of the emphasis should be put on the word life. Got a craving for something: That Tim Riggins – I need it in my life! Or that chocolate cake – I need it in my life!

Calm down, Jermaine: Use when someone is out of control or has said something crazy. It should be said with much indignation.

Shut up: Use when someone has said something you can’t believe. Common miscommunication: People think you are actually telling them to shut their mouth, which, in some cases, maybe true. However, if that was the desired result, it's best to just say shut your mouth. It’s their fault if they don’t get it.

I’m diggin’ it like a grave: Use when you really like something. Example:  This macaroni and cheese: I’m diggin’ it like a grave!

I don’t know what you think this is, but it ain’t:  This phrase I have borrowed from a friend. Use when someone has misunderstood the situation at hand. Example: A drunk troll-like person thinks they are going to sleep off their drunkness at your house. Look at them and say, “I don’t know what you think this is, but it ain’t.” It sends a clear message, hopefully.

They are cut from polyester:  Use to describe someone who is annoying. Other variations are corduroy, sandpaper, burlap, etc.

Son of a gun: Use in place of a more colorful phrase.  Scenario that warrants usage: Maneuvering through an inflatable while holding a FLIP camera, then realizing at the end, you haven’t filmed one minute of your journey. (SPOILER ALERT: future blog topic)

Good job, INSERT LAST NAME: Use when you done something stupid or really great.

Example of a stupid usage, with indignation:  I waited until today to make my little book of Vicki-isms. GOOD JOB, GRIMES!!

Example of a really great usage, with enthusiasm:  I’m finished making my little book of Vicki-isms. GOOD JOB, GRIMES!!

Ill-Advised (as referenced in The Miss-ion): Use when someone is about to do something they shouldn’t. Possible Scenario: Wearing tight pants to a dance club…Ill-advised. Guess what? Split Pants!

Really?!?: Use when someone is doing something unnecessary. Someone is being annoying, loud, obnoxious, or late, just say “REALLY?!?!”

Now this is happening: Use right before you are about to do something you shouldn’t or in retaliation of something someone has done to you.

Example of doing something you shouldn’t: As you are reaching for that snack-size Snickers….now this is happening.

Example of retaliation: Someone just cut in front of you in traffic. Just before you rear-end them… now this is happening.

And there you have it. Like the Bible says (Psalm 119:11): Hide these words in your heart. You have been entrusted with my most prized phrases, use them wisely.