The Best Break-Up

July 4th Week, 2011 will mark the 6th anniversary of my break-up with the Pothead. I will, for the duration of this story, refer to him as the Pothead. For once you are no longer a boyfriend of mine, you cease to have a real name. I’ll give you one guess why he’s called the Pothead. This name is predicated on the fact that if this boy’s eyes were open, he was smoking pot. It was not a redeeming quality of his, obviously, but he had made certain promises and I had hoped he was planning on keeping them. Guess what? He didn’t.

One promise was that he would try to quit smoking and in taking steps to do that, would only smoke at home. Receiving that in the spirit in which it was given, I accepted that as a reasonable compromise. It wasn’t until I’d finally talked him into visiting my Mother that I realized he had no intent of keeping that promise. We made the trip from Tampa to Panama City and stopped at almost every rest stop so he could smoke. I know what you’re thinking - that’s not very safe and you are so right. I thank God everyday for keeping me from harm’s way during this relationship. We charged on and finally made the 5 and a half hour trip in about 7 hours.

Once we got there, the Pothead preceded to mentally and physically check-out of the visit. I didn’t know until later that he had gotten some vicodin to help facilitate that. He would make trips out to his truck to smoke and it was getting to be a little awkward. The first day, my Mother asked, “Why does he go out to his truck so much?” My reply, “He has to talk to his mother.” The next day, Mother says, “He talks to his mother a lot.” My next reply was, “MAMA! He’s smoking pot!” Needless to say, my Mother was furious. She wanted to call the police right then, but I persuaded not to. I wouldn’t be able to get home if he was in jail, plus we were living together at the time and that wouldn’t make for a very happy home life.

We hatched an exit strategy. I would stay in the relationship until the end of our rental lease, which was December (just a reminder, this happened in July). And when it would come time to renew, I would say to him, “I’m going this way and you’re not. Peace.” So it was settled and at the end of our visit, the Pothead and I headed back to Tampa. Once there, I had the rest of the week off, but the Pothead had to go back to work. I spent the better part of the rest of the week thinking about how the next 5 months would go down. I couldn’t even fathom having to go on with this sham of a relationship. I was no longer interested in seeing him, being near him, much less all the other things that you do in a relationship. I had to get out of it, but I knew there would be consequences. The biggest one being that we were probably going to have to still live together for the next 5 months. Thank God we lived in a 3 bedroom house. Side Note:  We were living with the Pothead’s friend, who is now my friend, Niki, too.

I’d like to state for the record that I am not usually the one to do the breaking-up. I’m usually the dumpee, but in this case, I did the dumping just in the nick of time and, if I do say so myself, in the grandest of fashions. Once I decided this had to end, I went about making the Pothead’s favorite meal. It was pot roast with potatoes and carrots, gravy, green beans, and biscuits. I alerted Niki to the impending occasion and told her it might be better if she wasn’t there, but not to be gone all night, in case I needed reinforcements. When the Pothead got home, he showered and then made his way to dinner. The place settings were in place and the meal was all laid out. We sat down to dinner. He was seated at the head of the table and I was seated to his left. The conversation was the normal “how was your day” type stuff. It definitely wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, when I couldn’t take it anymore. I loaded my fork with roast and potatoes and as I lifted it, I said to him, “I’m breaking up with you” and quickly inserted the fork into my mouth. He immediately said, “What?” To which I said, “This is happening. I’m done with you.” With that, he went into a tirade, “I can’t believe you fixed this nice meal just to break up with me.” Again I said, “This is happening.” From that point on, as you can imagine, the meal went downhill. He got up and we continued to argue through the putting away of the leftovers and the washing of the dishes. If I’d thought better about it, I should have served the meal on paper plates, that way I could have thrown them away and maybe used it as a visual so that he would understand what was happening. “You are this used, dirty paper plate and I’m throwing you away” but, I only just thought of that.

The meal did, in fact, have the desired effect. It was the nicest way I could send the Pothead off, but he didn’t deserve it.

I’m sure I will write about the next 5 months of that year over time. There are a few other gems from the Pothead Chronic-cals still to be told.

25 Things about Me: #17

17. When I get mad, I shake my fist and yell, “I shake my fist at you!”

Fact: I like to have the people around me feel a constant threat of violence. I want them thinking that at any moment I could be shaking my fist and the next, quickly extend my elbow for a “lights out effect”. I find it reduces a lot of unnecessary interruptions that may happen during any given day.

The fist shake has a lot of applicable situations, but here are 2, of the cuff:

In traffic – It is probably less effective than giving someone “the finger”. However, the fist shake is less offensive and in this day and age, I feel a lot safer just shaking my fist. I don’t want to get shot out there.

When someone ask you to do something that need a quick turnaround – My old boss has been the latest victim of this type of fist shake. I did, in this instance, have to give him the fist shake in an email, but he knew what I meant:

I would admonish you to use forethought when shaking your fist at someone. Before shaking your fist, you should:

Consider your victim – Do you know this person? At what level of intimacy? Stranger, acquaintance or close confidant? Can they handle a fist shake? The level of intimacy in your relationship will determine whether or not a fist shake can play. I find that no one is exempt from the need of a good fist shake, but you might be more discerning.

Consider the offense – At what level of fist shaking will be needed to convey at what level you are irritated. Moderate fuming may warrant a verbal warning with no fist shake. All out unholy rage, my warrant a totally obnoxious fist shake accompanied by yelling from the depths of your bowels. You be the judge.

Consider your surroundings – Are there innocent bystanders? Will there be friendly fire? Again, for me, there are no exceptions. This lends to the consistent threat of violence.

There you have it. You’ve been given a great gift. Use it wisely.

The Great V-Neck T-shirt Debate Continues…

After my An Insidious Epidemic: V-neck T-shirts post hit the World Wide Web, it flared up quite a debate.

I guess that V-neck party I was so worried about happening will now be known as Easter at MorningStar Church. I didn’t think that one through. I should have waited a couple of days/weeks. Now the resurrection of my Savior will be marred by the vision of V-necks.

David tried to post this as a comment to that blog post.

It’s really hard to read so here’s the convo:

David: It wouldn't let me post it properly so I figured this was the next best thing.

Vicki: Of course, it wouldn't. V-necks and comments containing V-necks are unacceptable. If you had drawn a crewneck t-shirt that said Vicki is right, it would have posted. PS: That is fan-freakin'-tastic!

The V-neck t-shirt says David is so boss! But, guess what? FAIL.

A New Homeopathic Advil?!?

Today, I received from Madison an interesting link to an article entitled #@*! Swearing really is a powerful painkiller. The article states that in times of pain, you can feel better by letting the a few colorful words fly. Let me first say that I do not advocate cursing/swearing. Do I swear? Yes, on occasion, but not near as often as I used to. I came under conviction when a man swore in front of me and then apologized. In response to his apology, I replied, “No need to apologize. I’ve heard worse and better yet, I probably said worse.” I knew then it was time for a swearing intervention.

My worse place for swearing is in the car. People have such a hard time obeying the rules of the road and showing common courtesy. I’ve taken to replacing salty language with yelling at the top of my lungs, “NOT NICE!!!” The yelling is often accompanied by a point at the perpetrator and then a fist shake. It doesn’t have the effect that I wish it had, although the fist shake is off-putting. Sometimes I can’t take my hands of the wheel, so I tend to shake my head or just do the obvious side-way “Really?!?!” look.

My favorite line from the article is “Interestingly, women reported feeling less pain after swearing a blue streak.” Agreed.

A Little Piece of Heaven in Tampa Bay

Heaven = Yogurtology. My friend and co-worker, Becca, has been raving about this place for weeks, probably months. Today, Madison and I finally got a wild hair to go and check it out.

When you walk in, it seems like a very unassuming place. A few tables, some chairs and along one wall, a few spigots that dispense yogurt. Don’t be fooled, these spigots dispense pure deliciousness. There are about 10 or 12 of said spigots that release flavors like Cookies and Cream, Red Velvet Cake, Oatmeal Cookie, Pistachio, Peanut Butter and Cheesecake. Clearly that’s not all they have, but I forgot to remember the ones I wasn’t interested in. That’s why you should take a trip over for yourself.

How does it work, you ask? Get yourself in there, pick-up a container or small bucket, from the looks of it, and fill it to your heart’s delight.

Fill it with the yogurt(s) of your choosing and finish it of with the hodgepodgery of toppings – candies of all kinds, sauces, nuts, and fruit – and bottoms – cake pieces, brownies and cookies, if you’re so inclined. The combinations are endless.

Beware: By filling up that bucket, you are agreeing to pay by the ounce, but it’s only $0.49 an ounce! Plus, this stuff is good for you. Based on a 4oz serving, the most expensive, calorically speaking, is 179 calories for the Ultimate Peanut Butter. A justified, sensible dessert or meal.

In a brief wave of self-control, I had a little of the Pistachio and Oatmeal Cookie with a sprinkle of pecans. It was happiness in my mouth. Both flavors tasted just like what they were called. It’s not like some other places that serve that sour tasting yogurt and propose that you put fruit on it to help make it taste better. Guess what? It doesn’t. Madison had a little of the Cookies and Cream with I Heart NY Cheesecake sprinkled with chunks of Reese’s Cup.  We were both please with our selections and look forward to getting some more of that!

Here’s where it can be found and the hours:

Yogurtology - Tampa Store

1202 South Church Street, Suite C (the corner of Henderson, Watrous and Church)

Tampa, FL 33629

  

Hours: 11am-10pm Sunday - Thursday
11am-11pm Friday & Saturday

Check it out and Enjoy!

I heard Jesus, he drank wine. I bet we’d get along just fine. Bern’s Slush..ah WineFest

Yesterday, I had the privilege of being a volunteer at the Bern’s WineFest: The Grand Tasting. I would be helping in the silent auction area with your general set-up, policing and the like.

For my out-of-town readers: Bern’s is a very swanky restaurant-type place in Tampa where people go to if:

·         They’ve got about 3 hours to kill.

·         They’ve got a hot date that they want to impress.

·         They’re going to propose. Side note: LAME.

·         They’ve either lost or won a bet of some high-stakes sort.

·         They’ve got a lot of discretionary cash just lying around and they don’t know how to put to better use.

Needless to say, I’ve never eaten there.

I heard tell that this event is among the premiere wine festivals in the United States and that Bern’s boasts a rather large wine selection.  Well, Tampa brought out its finest for this event. To say the people-watching was great wouldn’t even do it justice.  My eyes couldn’t even behold all there was in my sightline - long gowns, short dresses, cotton, linen, seersucker, Affliction tees, suits, blazers, man satchels, hooker heels, flats, espadrilles, boobs, too much boob, no bra, shameless, even a jean onesie - the list goes on. People were dressed to the nines like there were headed to an evening cocktail hour, and then there were those who were dressed for a day at the beach or Jimmy Buffet concert. To give you a frame of reference - here is the spectrum in 2 pictures.

I also found this gentleman wearing these festive pants. If you can’t make out what that is, those are martini glasses and drink shakers. Oh, and that’s embroidery, too by the way.

Even though I was a volunteer, I was given a tasting glass. Here’s mine donned with my drinking name, Valencourt.

I used it to “sample” some wines made all over the world and distributed here in the US. I tasted mostly whites and some reds. The reds are because I’m trying to expand my wine palette.  It wasn’t until I discovered the Germany area that I found my favorite wine, Riesling. I heard someone say the word Riesling and I ‘bout knocked over everyone in my way to get there.

Once there, I realized there were 4 different Rieslings available for me to sample. Guess what? I did. I quickly discerned that from the time I started sampling to the time I would have blazed through all the selections, I may, in fact, be slightly intoxicated. Upon saying that statement out loud, the lady behind the table pouring these delicious concoctions says, “Oh, you’ll find these Rieslings have very low alcohol content.” To which I said, “Then, I’m going to need another, please. Thank you.” She was a nice lady.

After finishing my journey through the better part of the German Rieslings, I put my tasting glass down. Done and done. I went back to my station in the silent auction area.

The auction was to close at 3:45pm and this Winefest had been going on since 11:00am. To say that the crowd was in a stupor would be an understatement. If you looked out over them, you could see them ebb and flow together in unison. It was a work of art.

I asked the police officer who was put in charge of watching the auction, “So, how many DUI do you think y’all will give out today?” To which he said, “Oh, from this event?  Not as many as we would if it were after a Bucs’ game.” To which I thought to myself, “Really?!?! Have you seen these people? They’ve drunk so much red wine that their mouths look like they’ve sucked on a purple Crayola marker!” I laughed and thought I’d better keep that to myself.

In all, it was a good day. I got to sample some really nice and some really not nice wines. Rieslings – for the win! I sampled some exotic foods – wild boar, venison, and lamb. And I saw the limits of fashion pushed to an all new breaking point. I hope these people have invested in some really strong teeth whitening toothpaste, otherwise purple maybe the new white.

The Little Book of Vicki-isms: When mere words fail…

I am rarely at a loss for something to say and I have some frequent go-to phrases. These phrases have been coined by my co-worker peeps as Vicki-isms.

A lady that I worked was leaving and everyone was to put something into a treasure box so she could take it with her to remember us by. I thought it only fitting to compile these Vicki-isms into a handy book she could keep as a reference guide. Here’s what she got:

I shake my fist at you: Use with the accompanying clinched fist shake. Appropriate use is when someone has done something you don’t like. It should be said with teeth clinched and much indignation. Best use of this gesture: in traffic. It throws off your target because they are not expecting it. Sometimes, I even point at them before shaking my fist.

Hold please: Use when someone has asked a question and you need to search for the answer. Perfect Scenario: Say hold please and never get back to them.

Self-inflicted: Use when someone complains about a circumstance they put themselves in. It should be delivered in an “I told you so” tone.

You get the finger: Use in place of finger pointing. Common miscommunication: People mistaking the phrase for a certain hand gesture. I didn’t say which finger you get!

You would: Use in any scenario. Examples include but are not limited to:

I like this ice cream. You would. I’m going to see Twilight, again. You would. I’d like to give you a call sometime. You would. I’ll be working late. You would. I’m going to need surgery. You would.

The possibilities are endless with this one. It may warrant its’ own blog entry: The use and abuse of you would – The Alex English Story.

Guess what? ______: This phrase was given to me by Big Bob Stokes. Usage of this phrase is tricky because it is not situation specific. The line at the end of the phrase is to insert the word that fits.

One application is after someone says they thought something. Example:  I thought Calvin took out the trash. Guess what? Didn’t or I thought you were going to the party. Guess what? Ain’t

An alternate application is to point out something about someone. Add a gesture by pointing your thumb.

Original example by Big Bob Stokes as he was sitting next to a lady who had been partaking of some adult beverages: Guess what? Drunk, but you can use any adjective that fits your situation: pretty, ugly, late, smart, dumb, etc.

I’m going to punch you in the throat: Use to convey to someone just how mad you are and how much pain you are willing to enact. Not to be confused with punching someone in the face. Punching in the throat hurts way worse.

I need it in my life: Use when you’ve just got to have something. Most of the emphasis should be put on the word life. Got a craving for something: That Tim Riggins – I need it in my life! Or that chocolate cake – I need it in my life!

Calm down, Jermaine: Use when someone is out of control or has said something crazy. It should be said with much indignation.

Shut up: Use when someone has said something you can’t believe. Common miscommunication: People think you are actually telling them to shut their mouth, which, in some cases, maybe true. However, if that was the desired result, it's best to just say shut your mouth. It’s their fault if they don’t get it.

I’m diggin’ it like a grave: Use when you really like something. Example:  This macaroni and cheese: I’m diggin’ it like a grave!

I don’t know what you think this is, but it ain’t:  This phrase I have borrowed from a friend. Use when someone has misunderstood the situation at hand. Example: A drunk troll-like person thinks they are going to sleep off their drunkness at your house. Look at them and say, “I don’t know what you think this is, but it ain’t.” It sends a clear message, hopefully.

They are cut from polyester:  Use to describe someone who is annoying. Other variations are corduroy, sandpaper, burlap, etc.

Son of a gun: Use in place of a more colorful phrase.  Scenario that warrants usage: Maneuvering through an inflatable while holding a FLIP camera, then realizing at the end, you haven’t filmed one minute of your journey. (SPOILER ALERT: future blog topic)

Good job, INSERT LAST NAME: Use when you done something stupid or really great.

Example of a stupid usage, with indignation:  I waited until today to make my little book of Vicki-isms. GOOD JOB, GRIMES!!

Example of a really great usage, with enthusiasm:  I’m finished making my little book of Vicki-isms. GOOD JOB, GRIMES!!

Ill-Advised (as referenced in The Miss-ion): Use when someone is about to do something they shouldn’t. Possible Scenario: Wearing tight pants to a dance club…Ill-advised. Guess what? Split Pants!

Really?!?: Use when someone is doing something unnecessary. Someone is being annoying, loud, obnoxious, or late, just say “REALLY?!?!”

Now this is happening: Use right before you are about to do something you shouldn’t or in retaliation of something someone has done to you.

Example of doing something you shouldn’t: As you are reaching for that snack-size Snickers….now this is happening.

Example of retaliation: Someone just cut in front of you in traffic. Just before you rear-end them… now this is happening.

And there you have it. Like the Bible says (Psalm 119:11): Hide these words in your heart. You have been entrusted with my most prized phrases, use them wisely.