Bad Kid Magnet

It never fails. No matter where I am or where I position myself, bad kids are attracted to me. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be a bad kid, just a kid in general.  They surround me on all side and they never fail to attack. Sometimes, I can’t get a moment’s peace. Where are these bad kids? Oh, I’ll tell you.

On airplanes:

Be it in assigned seating or open seating, I will attract that bad kid. I’ve never been as unlucky to have to sit next to one, but even in the next row, they are close enough. It’s almost in this instance where the bad kid and I have the same magnet polarity. We attract, but we can’t stick together.  In the bible, it says we will endure tribulations, but God knows I have my limits.

You know what I mean about these airplane bad kids. They talk loud, laugh loud, cry loud and breathe loud. They can’t sit still and bump or kick the back of your seat. Their parent don't do anything because it isn't bothering them. They've built up immunity to it. Sidenote to Parents: Your child is screaming it fool head off because their ears are popping. For goodness sake, give them a piece of gum or candy, then I hope it get in their hair.

To combat, I employ an ABKDK. What’s that, you ask? My Airplane Bad Kid Defense Kit contains one pair of trusty earplugs. There’s no cure for the moving around in the seat and bumping the back of my chair. I’m sure giving children a shot of Jack Daniels is frowned upon.

At the pool:

I was at my complex’s pool, minding my own business, when out of nowhere this little girl doggie paddles right up to me. First time I’ve ever seen her anywhere around the complex, much less this pool and because of that, I knew she had never seen me. Even so, right up to me she comes and latches on to me for dear life like she was drowning, despite her swimmies.

Immediate first thought, “What the wha?” and second thought, “Didn’t your parents teach you about stranger danger?” Granted she was probably 4 or 5, but still. I am that stranger danger. Then of course, we have to make little girl small talk, “What’s your name?”, “What a cute bathing suit you have.”, and blah, blah, blah.

I pretty sure that she had the spiritual gift of discernment because it was only those two question or so before she discern my disinterest in being friends with her, much less sharing pool space with her. Plus, her brother at another area of the pool was throwing a fit about not wanting to wear his swimmies, so dad knew it was time to go. Kudos to him.

At restaurants:

This is the worst. Unless you are at a quick service, you don’t get to pick your seat. For me, it really doesn’t matter. The child could be at the next table or across the restaurant and I will still attract it.

Classic bad kid restaurant scenario: Parents love the place, but there’s nothing for their child to eat. The child spends most of the meal whining about having to eat something they don’t like. Worse yet, the child is bored and has run out of things to entertain them. I have nothing but kudos to the parents who bring video games or a portable DVD player with them to the restaurant. I’m sure there are some who frown on that because they think its anti-social or a bad habit to start your children on, but hear me out. If those things allow you and your family, not to mention me and everyone else around you, to have a peaceful meal, please ask for a table next to an electrical outlet. Charge on! 

The most evil and worst day of the week to enjoy a dinner out: Tuesdays. Most restaurants use this unassuming day of the week to offer Kids Eat Free night. I make sure I have something at the house to eat or avoid eating out at all cost. I’ll starve to death before I go out for a meal on a Tuesday.

Poor Tuesday, you get such a bad rap.

At church:

The house of the Lord should be a reverent, sacred and quiet place. That is why God created Children’s Ministry. I realize that some parents don’t want to be away from their little lambs for an hour or so, but if they can’t sit still, be quiet or you’re not going to have things to keep them occupied, please deposit them in the nursery or children’s church. They are distracting and shushing them is a more annoying noise than your child’s noise. Lock it up.

Other places where I attract bad kids include but are not limited to movies, the mall, sporting events, and of course, Walmart. Once, in a Super Walmart, I heard a child screaming at the top of their lungs from across the store. I could tell it was coming straight for me. I made my purchase and got out of there quick.

It is my lot in life. I have slowly come to terms with attracting bad kids. I’m considering ways to change my polarity. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Have a shirt made that says “Don’t even think about it.” or maybe just “Don’t even.” I saw a shirt on one of my favorite shows, Cougar Town, (don’t judge) that said “Don’t Bother.” I think that one’s good, too.

2. Create a rage buffer. When there is a child in sight, I would erupt in a fit of unholy rage. I could go off on something completely random that would put the child on edge and in turn make them want to be nowhere near me. Granted, I might be hospitalized or worse, jailed, but sometimes the end justifies the means.

3. Options of last resort: have my own child. With my own child, I could focus on them and not the other bad kids. Mind you, my child won’t be bad. I won’t allow it. Famous last words, I know. I’ve already been warned. A lot of things have to fall into place to make this one happen. I mean, there’s the small complication for not having a husband. Oh, the details.

Despite any choice, I’m sure there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I know they plot against me. I just wish they’d forward me their meeting minutes.