I started my blog in part because of some prodding by a co-worker of mine, Nancy. I like her because, besides being one of the coolest ladies I know, she thinks I’m really funny and have a comical take on things. With that in mind, she asked me to write some material for our daily email, iMOM Espresso Minute. Espresso Minute is a quick email that has parenting advice to help moms make the most of the time they spend with their children. I couldn’t believe it and when I told some of my friends about it, they belly laughed.
What you may or may not know about me is that I have a firm stance on children: I like the kids I like, period. This means, on the whole of the children collective, I’m not a fan. And as you can imagine, it is a short list of names. There are often times when one or two names can come off, but they tend to make it back on after I’ve put some space between us.
So Nancy asked me to write some funny things about being a mother and the scenarios in which they might be stressed or “mommed” out in a “You Might Be a Redneck”-type style. I have to admit, she gave me a week to do it, but in going back to my school days, I put off this homework until the very last minute. I thought it was going to be difficult, seeing as how I am neither a mother nor anywhere close to being a mother. Yet, once I started thinking about my friends who are moms or about what I might experience when I become a mom who is a recovering child-disliker, the ideas flowed like water. In all, I turned in 45 “You Might be Mommed Out” scenarios. All of them couldn’t make the email. I mean, it is the Espresso Minute, not the Espresso 15-minute. Check it out!
Here are the ones that ended up on the editing floor.
You Might be Mommed Out
Your children answer to the names Stop, No and Wait until your father gets home.
Your garden tub looks more like a toy box than a relaxing oasis.
You actually finish a sentence and don’t know what to do next because you weren’t interrupted by your child’s quick fire of “Mom, Mom, Mom.”
You wake from a deep sleep, sit straight up in the bed and think to yourself, “It’s too quiet. Someone must be up to something.”
Wishing just once you could send your child into the world wearing a clear plastic wrap school uniform.
You consider it a good day when everyone is dressed and ready to go on time, even if they don’t match.
Your favorite beverages have been replaced in the fridge by juice boxes and organic milk.
You think to yourself, “When did I replace the playground jungle gym?”
For a hot second, you think that it might be better if your children where attached to you with a retractable cord, but then it passes.
You’re best friend is Mr. Sad Spoon.
You’ve almost mistaken your child for a ripe carrot that needs to be pulled from the earth.
The only spare space on the back of your vehicle is just big enough to see through the rearview mirror.
You’re on a first name basis with the check-out people at your grocery store.
Your family’s only dining out experiences happen on Tuesdays.
The phrase that makes music to your ears is “Daddy’s on vacation this week!”
You can remember when you ran for exercise sake.
Your journey to bed goes through your child’s room.
Your child’s potty breaks are scheduled.
You rue the day you decided to only use cloth diapers.
To you, no sweeter words were uttered to your child than “You’re going to stay at Grandma’s for a few days.”
Are you guilty? I know I will be. Like I said, I don’t have any children and I will be asking for your prayers when I do. When the day comes that I do bring forth a child, God help us all.
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