Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 1

I’ll say, out the gate, I am not overjoyed to have Ashley as the Bachelorette. She’s a little to peppy all the time and the tone of her voice can be deafening, especially when it reaches the level of a dog whistle. However, this show is a guilty pleasure and can’t even think about missing an episode. Plus, I have to defend by crown as reigning Bachelor Champion. I will charge on and you can’t beat the weekly eye candy.

Ashley

The line of the night: “I want a guy to call me ‘Cupcake’.” Hey Ashley, those are things you keep to yourself. Once you actually snag a man is when you drop the lame nickname suggestion on him. Geez.

Winners

Ryan P. - AKA: Solar Panel - He received the first impression rose. He seems super sweet and not to mention, easy on the eyes. I’d like a cup of that.

Ben F. – With the wine toast straight out of the limo, he gets my vote.  It is agreed that he would be a bit more attractive with a haircut. Maybe he could ask fellow bachelorette hopeful and hairstylist, Stephen, to hook him up.

Other Approved Rose Recipients

Ben C., Blake, Chris D., Constantine, Lucas, Nick, Ryan M., West and William

Losers

Tim – Drunks McDrunkerton: Really?!?! You should have saved ABC some money and stayed home to get FUBAR’ed.  If he hadn’t had so many, as he put it, “cracktails”, he might have had the witty retort of “If that at the pot calling the kettle black?” when Ashley asked if he was drunk. Anyone who watched last season will know that Ashley spent many a group date walking the fine line between buzzed and sloshed.

Jeff – The Masked Superficial Avenger: Again, really?!?! That stunt is completely and totally lame. I wonder if he perused these other mask options before settling in on the one he wore.

Unfortunately, that mask does nothing to hide your lack of personality. She’s going to be very upset with you when you decide to take that mask off, which apparently will not be before you visit the toilet.

Honorable Mention

Anthony – Where did they find him? At a Welcome Back Kotter Look-a-like Reunion?

During his exited interview, I was waiting for him to say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” He’s probably a nice jamook from Jersey, but completely out of place.

Keeping One Eye on You

Bentley – Because there’s always one in every bunch, he is allegedly the latest addition to the Bachelorette Media Whore list which includes Wes (Gillian’s season) and Justin (Ali’s season). Now before we fly off the handle and place his engraved placard on the list permanently, we have to take into consideration the amount of editing that goes on to make this show possible. So for now, despite lots of fuel for the fire from the previews, the jury will still be out.

Bachelor Game Standing

19 – Allison: She correctly guessed Ryan P. for the First Impression Rose which put her in the lead.

15 – Kevin

15 – Vicki

00 – Alex: He missed the show due to an act of football. He would.