I Don’t Know Nothing about Raisin’ No Babies

I started my blog in part because of some prodding by a co-worker of mine, Nancy. I like her because, besides being one of the coolest ladies I know, she thinks I’m really funny and have a comical take on things. With that in mind, she asked me to write some material for our daily email, iMOM Espresso Minute. Espresso Minute is a quick email that has parenting advice to help moms make the most of the time they spend with their children. I couldn’t believe it and when I told some of my friends about it, they belly laughed.

What you may or may not know about me is that I have a firm stance on children: I like the kids I like, period. This means, on the whole of the children collective, I’m not a fan. And as you can imagine, it is a short list of names. There are often times when one or two names can come off, but they tend to make it back on after I’ve put some space between us.

So Nancy asked me to write some funny things about being a mother and the scenarios in which they might be stressed or “mommed” out in a “You Might Be a Redneck”-type style. I have to admit, she gave me a week to do it, but in going back to my school days, I put off this homework until the very last minute. I thought it was going to be difficult, seeing as how I am neither a mother nor anywhere close to being a mother. Yet, once I started thinking about my friends who are moms or about what I might experience when I become a mom who is a recovering child-disliker, the ideas flowed like water. In all, I turned in 45 “You Might be Mommed Out” scenarios. All of them couldn’t make the email. I mean, it is the Espresso Minute, not the Espresso 15-minute.  Check it out!

Here are the ones that ended up on the editing floor.

You Might be Mommed Out

Your children answer to the names Stop, No and Wait until your father gets home.

Your garden tub looks more like a toy box than a relaxing oasis.

You actually finish a sentence and don’t know what to do next because you weren’t interrupted by your child’s quick fire of “Mom, Mom, Mom.”

You wake from a deep sleep, sit straight up in the bed and think to yourself, “It’s too quiet. Someone must be up to something.”

Wishing just once you could send your child into the world wearing a clear plastic wrap school uniform.

You consider it a good day when everyone is dressed and ready to go on time, even if they don’t match.

Your favorite beverages have been replaced in the fridge by juice boxes and organic milk.

You think to yourself, “When did I replace the playground jungle gym?”

For a hot second, you think that it might be better if your children where attached to you with a retractable cord, but then it passes.

You’re best friend is Mr. Sad Spoon.

You’ve almost mistaken your child for a ripe carrot that needs to be pulled from the earth.

The only spare space on the back of your vehicle is just big enough to see through the rearview mirror.

You’re on a first name basis with the check-out people at your grocery store.

Your family’s only dining out experiences happen on Tuesdays.

The phrase that makes music to your ears is “Daddy’s on vacation this week!”

You can remember when you ran for exercise sake.

Your journey to bed goes through your child’s room.

Your child’s potty breaks are scheduled.

You rue the day you decided to only use cloth diapers.

To you, no sweeter words were uttered to your child than “You’re going to stay at Grandma’s for a few days.”

Are you guilty? I know I will be. Like I said, I don’t have any children and I will be asking for your prayers when I do. When the day comes that I do bring forth a child, God help us all.

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A Sad Day for Jockey Shorts

Last night was the season 2 premiere of Memphis Beat on TNT. You may remember the title of this show from my blog post, Shows you should watch, but you’re probably not.

Madison and I have loved this show ever since the pilot of season 1. Once we finally got word back in September of last year that it was renewed for a second season, we were ecstatic. I immediately marked that date on my calendar. So, we have been waiting this premiere for a quite some time.

With that said, I’ll submit right upfront that I was a little disturbed by the amount of weight Jason Lee has shed since the end of last season. In most of the publicity photos and season sneak peeks, he looked like a Q-tip (big head, little body), but I was charging on. I love the Jason Lee and his character, Dwight Hendricks.



My worst fears were realized. I’ll set the scene. It is the morning after a fallen police officer’s wake. We find Dwight hung over from the said wake where in which he began a rousing acapella rendition of When the Saints Go Marchin’ In. He is passed out on his couch snuggling his Gibson guitar. There is a knock on the door. It brings Dwight to life. As he turns to get off the couch to answer the door, we see that he has no pants on, but he seems to be wearing something that look like boxers. Sadly, they were not boxers, but alas they were jockey shorts.

Why is it a sad day for jockey shorts you may ask? Jockey shorts on the right physique can be quite becoming. Worn properly, they tend to hug in all the right places. Unfortunately, this pair hung on Jason Lee like sheets on a clothes line. They just hung off of his slender frame, flapping with the passing breeze. They didn't do one good thing for him. This sighting could have potentially tarnished the good name of jockey shorts everywhere.  Unacceptable, at all times. I have thought about giving the producers the benefit of the doubt and would like to think that they were keeping it clean for a family show, but that quickly passed.

I’m glad to report that I was not the only one to think this. On the Memphis Beat’s Facebook fan page, there was an outpouring of similar sentiments. I’m hoping that this will encourage Jason to beef up and redeem the glory of the jockey shorts.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 4

I heard Max, a wise gay man on the show, Happy Endings, say “You have to stop focusing on the stuff you had and starting focusing on all the cool new stuff you have.” Word.  Sister, get over it already. You’ve got so many other, and better, guys available for the picking. Just say to yourself, “Bentley, die in a fire”, move on and lock it up already!

Winners 

Ben F. – He, out of my top 3 contenders, made out like a champ during the group date. Smooth move on taking the artistic route to set yourself apart. And he said, “I can’t paint.” Really Ben? That was pretty good looking elephant you painted. Nice trick, liar!

J.P. – He just might have pulled himself ahead of the pack. You can tell Ashley really likes him. The way he went on and on about their 1-on-1 date after the Bentley debacle being perfect was really over the top, but she ate it up. That was until he tried to pick her up off the beach. Really?!?! Ashley is so tee-tiny you can put her in your pocket. Hit the gym, J.P.

Losers

Those with the Hope of Skin – The only redeeming quality of this season would be to take in all the eye candy and the hope of seeing these guys shirtless. In true Bachelorette fashion, we were completely teased with last week’s Hulu preview.

Guess what? FAIL. Imagine if you will, on screen the guys in, what are clearly swimming trunks, and there’s a pool nearby. Plus, Ashley is in a bikini. You’ve got to think, this is it! Finally, after all this Bentley nonsense, we’d see a few nicely chiseled abs, some sculpted biceps, and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair, but no.   I spent a good bit of the time during this portion of the show chanting, “Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks! Pecks!” to no avail. My Peck Dance didn’t work.

Blake – I called it “Premature Opinionation”. He was all set to tell Ryan P. (AKA: Solar Panel) just how annoying he was for the entire house, but completely and totally chocked. You can’t just sit down and tell someone they grate on your nerves without being ready to bring the evidence.

The rub is that Solar Panel is always on. Of course he’s always on, he’s solar-powered. Someone please press the button on the laugh track.

From out of Nowhere

Ames (AKA: The Catfish) – Can we all say we didn’t see that one coming?!?! I was almost sure that she wasn’t going to give me a rose for 3 reasons:

1. Ames made a comment that he couldn’t even speak because he was too busy taking in the surroundings. How awkward? Which leads to #2.

2. When he and Ashley were in the canoe, not once did she sit facing him. If I like a guy, despite the beautiful surrounding, I would have wanted to be looking at him.

3. I thought at some point Ashley would realize that he is way smarter than her. Guess what? Didn’t

Plus, there was NO affection (that they showed) on any part of the date. She mentioned being comfortable with him, which is a clear indication of a “friend” relationship. The Catfish may be on the way out.

Line of the Night

“I felt a little bit of insecurity.” – Ashley, on her date with Constantine. She would.

"Someone who is devoted." Ashley, in response to Ames' question of what is an intangiable quality you look for in a person. I erupted with the tune, Hopelessly Devoted to You from Grease.

Bachelor Game Standings

59 – Allison

51 – Kevin

51 – Vicki

50 – Alex

It was a complete no-brainer. We all correctly guessed Ben F. for the group date rose and got 8 of the 8 roses right. Talk about predictable.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 3

Again, uggh. I’ll say this…like my good friend Antoine Dodson says, “You are really dumb, for real.” If there was a group of people watching me, Kevin, Allison and Alex watch this episode and they were playing a drinking game for every time one of us said, “You are really dumb, for real”, they’d been as drunk as Cooter Brown.

I said it last week and I will say it again, I really hope they have Ashley on a suicide watch or at the very least, a good therapist. Hopefully, it isn’t the same therapist ole Brad Womack used. Guess what? Might not have worked.

I have no doubt that Ashley thought she felt something this Bentley character. It happens. If he never opened his mouth, I can’t say that I’d shake my fist at him, but then he did indeed open his mouth. What bothers me about it is that she was warned. Now we found out that her information came from last season’s crazy Michelle, but still. The two of them spent the better part of 2 months in close confined quarters. You have to think that some sort of relationship or confidence was formed. Based on that alone, one would think that information sticks with you in the back of your mind and you’ve got to think this guy might not be on the up-and-up.

Granted, crazy Michelle or not, if I had this information, I wouldn’t have let him into the house on the first night. After introducing himself, I would have directed him to a car I had waiting to the left. So we wouldn’t have even got to this point. But for the sake of S&Gs, let’s say if I had been in this situation, it would have gone quite differently. It wouldn’t have been an ugly cry that it was. It would have just been ugly.   

Winners

Nobody – Again, not one of those guys really pulled out of the pack, but then most of the episode was focused on the Bentley debacle.  

Bachelorette Music Coordinator – The organ music that accompanied the shots of Jeff in that dumb mask was genius. I hope that Jeff goes home and makes that his ringtone.

Losers

Bachelorette Date Coordinator - Whoever thought a roast would be a good idea for a group date needs one of two things:

1. A raise. With the train wreck that was that roast, the viewership for this episode was probably through the roof. Genius.

2. Fired on the spot. You’ve got to go for thinking that Ashley could handle anything those guys said. Dumb.

I don’t care if she had the thickest skin in the world, there’s no way Ashley was coming out of that night unscathed. Did any of them remember what happened last season? Ashley was voted Most Likely to be Insecure. Roast = Bad idea.

William – Oh yeah, again. In the Roast of Death, Silly Willy came out smelling like poo. Who does that? The best thing he said all night was “I’m an idiot!” Truer words were never spoken.

Line of the Night

First Place: “Introducing Zoro’s unemployed brother, Jeff Madola.” – Jeffery Ross, Roast Master of the Roast of Death

A close second: “You’ve had all of 15 minutes to talk to this girl and it’s like, “Boop. Here’s my face. You have small tits.” - Ben F.

Officially on the List

Bentley – It is confirmed. Please take your space next to Wes and Justin on the Bachelorette Media Whore List. At worst, you came across to America and beyond as an A #1 prize jerk. At best, you’ve just completed your casting tape for submission to the Bachelor Pad. I think you are a shoe-in.

The bad thing is Bentley and some people will blame it all on editing and submit that the producers spun his words. See that’s the thing, those were HIS words. He said those things. We all saw his lips moving in most of the clips where he spewed his verbal venom. You can’t argue with that. Context or not, it will forever be archived on tape. I hope his daughter never sees this show.

More Poor Choices

Not only did Ashley fall head over heels for Bentley, but in her stay-at-home date with J.P., she chose to forgo her contacts for her glasses. I know you had a horrible day and I’m all for getting comfy, but really?!? This is your first date with J.P.  Throw the guy a bone. You’re letting him see behind the curtain way too early. Lock it up.

Bachelor Game Standings

46 – Allison

38 – Kevin

38 – Vicki

37 – Alex

We all correctly guessed Ryan P. (Solar Panel) for the group date rose and got 8 of the 9 roses right. Allison and I got tripped up by Ames (The Catfish). Alex missed Constantine. It made him really mad when Ashley picked him first. Kevin missed Mickey. What was he thinking? So dumb.

Bad Kid Magnet

It never fails. No matter where I am or where I position myself, bad kids are attracted to me. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be a bad kid, just a kid in general.  They surround me on all side and they never fail to attack. Sometimes, I can’t get a moment’s peace. Where are these bad kids? Oh, I’ll tell you.

On airplanes:

Be it in assigned seating or open seating, I will attract that bad kid. I’ve never been as unlucky to have to sit next to one, but even in the next row, they are close enough. It’s almost in this instance where the bad kid and I have the same magnet polarity. We attract, but we can’t stick together.  In the bible, it says we will endure tribulations, but God knows I have my limits.

You know what I mean about these airplane bad kids. They talk loud, laugh loud, cry loud and breathe loud. They can’t sit still and bump or kick the back of your seat. Their parent don't do anything because it isn't bothering them. They've built up immunity to it. Sidenote to Parents: Your child is screaming it fool head off because their ears are popping. For goodness sake, give them a piece of gum or candy, then I hope it get in their hair.

To combat, I employ an ABKDK. What’s that, you ask? My Airplane Bad Kid Defense Kit contains one pair of trusty earplugs. There’s no cure for the moving around in the seat and bumping the back of my chair. I’m sure giving children a shot of Jack Daniels is frowned upon.

At the pool:

I was at my complex’s pool, minding my own business, when out of nowhere this little girl doggie paddles right up to me. First time I’ve ever seen her anywhere around the complex, much less this pool and because of that, I knew she had never seen me. Even so, right up to me she comes and latches on to me for dear life like she was drowning, despite her swimmies.

Immediate first thought, “What the wha?” and second thought, “Didn’t your parents teach you about stranger danger?” Granted she was probably 4 or 5, but still. I am that stranger danger. Then of course, we have to make little girl small talk, “What’s your name?”, “What a cute bathing suit you have.”, and blah, blah, blah.

I pretty sure that she had the spiritual gift of discernment because it was only those two question or so before she discern my disinterest in being friends with her, much less sharing pool space with her. Plus, her brother at another area of the pool was throwing a fit about not wanting to wear his swimmies, so dad knew it was time to go. Kudos to him.

At restaurants:

This is the worst. Unless you are at a quick service, you don’t get to pick your seat. For me, it really doesn’t matter. The child could be at the next table or across the restaurant and I will still attract it.

Classic bad kid restaurant scenario: Parents love the place, but there’s nothing for their child to eat. The child spends most of the meal whining about having to eat something they don’t like. Worse yet, the child is bored and has run out of things to entertain them. I have nothing but kudos to the parents who bring video games or a portable DVD player with them to the restaurant. I’m sure there are some who frown on that because they think its anti-social or a bad habit to start your children on, but hear me out. If those things allow you and your family, not to mention me and everyone else around you, to have a peaceful meal, please ask for a table next to an electrical outlet. Charge on! 

The most evil and worst day of the week to enjoy a dinner out: Tuesdays. Most restaurants use this unassuming day of the week to offer Kids Eat Free night. I make sure I have something at the house to eat or avoid eating out at all cost. I’ll starve to death before I go out for a meal on a Tuesday.

Poor Tuesday, you get such a bad rap.

At church:

The house of the Lord should be a reverent, sacred and quiet place. That is why God created Children’s Ministry. I realize that some parents don’t want to be away from their little lambs for an hour or so, but if they can’t sit still, be quiet or you’re not going to have things to keep them occupied, please deposit them in the nursery or children’s church. They are distracting and shushing them is a more annoying noise than your child’s noise. Lock it up.

Other places where I attract bad kids include but are not limited to movies, the mall, sporting events, and of course, Walmart. Once, in a Super Walmart, I heard a child screaming at the top of their lungs from across the store. I could tell it was coming straight for me. I made my purchase and got out of there quick.

It is my lot in life. I have slowly come to terms with attracting bad kids. I’m considering ways to change my polarity. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Have a shirt made that says “Don’t even think about it.” or maybe just “Don’t even.” I saw a shirt on one of my favorite shows, Cougar Town, (don’t judge) that said “Don’t Bother.” I think that one’s good, too.

2. Create a rage buffer. When there is a child in sight, I would erupt in a fit of unholy rage. I could go off on something completely random that would put the child on edge and in turn make them want to be nowhere near me. Granted, I might be hospitalized or worse, jailed, but sometimes the end justifies the means.

3. Options of last resort: have my own child. With my own child, I could focus on them and not the other bad kids. Mind you, my child won’t be bad. I won’t allow it. Famous last words, I know. I’ve already been warned. A lot of things have to fall into place to make this one happen. I mean, there’s the small complication for not having a husband. Oh, the details.

Despite any choice, I’m sure there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I know they plot against me. I just wish they’d forward me their meeting minutes.

Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 2

Uggh. Usually this show doesn’t become so taxing right out the gate, but geez! This episode only added more fuel to the fire that burns for how much I am not a fan of Ashley or her being the Bachelorette.

Winners

Nobody - One of my top picks, Ryan P. (Solar Panel), didn’t even get a date. Boo!

If I have to pick someone, I could pick Mickey. He did win the coin toss that put him on the 1-on-1 date with Ashley in Vegas. Then, proceeded to win most of the lame coin tosses they decided to use to propel the direction of their date. Lame. Did I already say that?

Losers

Ashley - At the conclusion of this episode, I can’t help but for feel just a tad sorry for her. They have made her out to be a first class fool. She’s really, or so we’re lead to believe, for this Bentley character and I’m sure she probably did. We’ve all fallen for that kind of guy. I know I have, but I haven’t done it in front of millions of people across the globe. I really hope that it is editing that they done to make us think it. Otherwise, I hope she has a round the clock suicide-watch after seeing the show each Monday.

Now before you go thinking I’ve gone soft on her, hold it right there. This is completely self-inflicted and she’s being paid for it. I just hope for her sake, she’s getting a little bit more money than the others.

William - This guy. He’s chosen to accompany Ashley on the first 1-on-1 date of the season which will take place in Las Vegas. He dodged a wedding bullet, by taking part in a mock Vegas-style wedding. Horrible date, but he’s eating it up like it was filet mignon. He received a rose on the date, but then gloated at the cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. Hey Willy, God don’t like ugly and no one likes a gloater.  He's super cute, but beginning to be a tool.

Las Vegas - Vegas looks less appealing. Good job, Bachelorette producers.

Line of the Night

First Place:  “I’d rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with her.” – Bentley  

You would.

Honorable Mention: “Tickle my pickle.” – Bentley

Hey Bent, what are you? In the 5th grade? Get a clue.

Bachelor Game Standings

33 – Allison: She correctly guessed Bentley for the Group Date Rose. Ugggh!

25 – Kevin

25 – Vicki

24 – Alex: Now, officially in the game.

My Mutant Power

Friday marks the opening of X-Men: First Class and I am SUPER pumped about it. I love the X-Men films. This movie is a prequel to the others and I can’t wait to see how it all started. 

I have such a fascination with these movies and the concept of having special powers because I wish I had one. I often ask people what mutant or special power they would like to have. Most say to fly, super-human strength, or walk through walls. It’s always something lame like that. I don’t even have to think about it. I know exactly what my mutant power would be. Mine would be mind control. The ability to change people’s mind or place thoughts into their subconscious, now you’re talking. I can dig it. I just think of all the things I can do:

To that old boyfriend: I would place in their mind the thought that they can’t live without me and that it will cripple their existence.

To a boss: I would place in their mind the thought that I am the best employee and I need a sizeable raise.

To a bank teller: I would suggest that they hand me the contents of their cash drawer. No pesky notes or guns needed.

To an annoying person: I would suggest that they be still and/or quiet in my presence or better yet, that they would find me just as annoying as I find them and want with everything that is in them to be nowhere near me. I like that better.

The possibilities are endless. I already practice mind control in the rare chance that I may become mutant powered. I well aware that mutant powers are a suspension of reality, but a girl can hope.

**No one specific has been referenced in the above mentioned mind controls. However, if you think it might be you, well my mind control just might be working after all…