Bachelorette Post-Mortem: Week 1

I’ll say, out the gate, I am not overjoyed to have Ashley as the Bachelorette. She’s a little to peppy all the time and the tone of her voice can be deafening, especially when it reaches the level of a dog whistle. However, this show is a guilty pleasure and can’t even think about missing an episode. Plus, I have to defend by crown as reigning Bachelor Champion. I will charge on and you can’t beat the weekly eye candy.

Ashley

The line of the night: “I want a guy to call me ‘Cupcake’.” Hey Ashley, those are things you keep to yourself. Once you actually snag a man is when you drop the lame nickname suggestion on him. Geez.

Winners

Ryan P. - AKA: Solar Panel - He received the first impression rose. He seems super sweet and not to mention, easy on the eyes. I’d like a cup of that.

Ben F. – With the wine toast straight out of the limo, he gets my vote.  It is agreed that he would be a bit more attractive with a haircut. Maybe he could ask fellow bachelorette hopeful and hairstylist, Stephen, to hook him up.

Other Approved Rose Recipients

Ben C., Blake, Chris D., Constantine, Lucas, Nick, Ryan M., West and William

Losers

Tim – Drunks McDrunkerton: Really?!?! You should have saved ABC some money and stayed home to get FUBAR’ed.  If he hadn’t had so many, as he put it, “cracktails”, he might have had the witty retort of “If that at the pot calling the kettle black?” when Ashley asked if he was drunk. Anyone who watched last season will know that Ashley spent many a group date walking the fine line between buzzed and sloshed.

Jeff – The Masked Superficial Avenger: Again, really?!?! That stunt is completely and totally lame. I wonder if he perused these other mask options before settling in on the one he wore.

Unfortunately, that mask does nothing to hide your lack of personality. She’s going to be very upset with you when you decide to take that mask off, which apparently will not be before you visit the toilet.

Honorable Mention

Anthony – Where did they find him? At a Welcome Back Kotter Look-a-like Reunion?

During his exited interview, I was waiting for him to say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” He’s probably a nice jamook from Jersey, but completely out of place.

Keeping One Eye on You

Bentley – Because there’s always one in every bunch, he is allegedly the latest addition to the Bachelorette Media Whore list which includes Wes (Gillian’s season) and Justin (Ali’s season). Now before we fly off the handle and place his engraved placard on the list permanently, we have to take into consideration the amount of editing that goes on to make this show possible. So for now, despite lots of fuel for the fire from the previews, the jury will still be out.

Bachelor Game Standing

19 – Allison: She correctly guessed Ryan P. for the First Impression Rose which put her in the lead.

15 – Kevin

15 – Vicki

00 – Alex: He missed the show due to an act of football. He would.

Shows You Should Watch...

But you’re probably not.

I don’t have cable in my house, so I have to watch current TV on the website, HULU. The reason I’m telling you this is because I need you to watch these shows live, which in turn will keep them on the air. This is also the reason I watch most of my television over at Allison's. 

Here are top 4 new shows I am currently watching on HULU and feel you should strongly consider putting into your TV watching rotation. For my sake, at least.

Raising Hope - Airs on FOX - Tuesdays at 9:00pm EST

Synopsis: Raising Hope stars the Chance family finds themselves raising the newest addition to the household, Baby Hope. Months after a romantic encounter with a wanted felon, 23-year-old Jimmy Chance learns he is the father of a bouncing baby girl. Jimmy's quirky family members include his mother, Virginia, father Burt and great-grandmother, Maw Maw - are less than enthusiastic about the little one.

Why I like it: Everything about this show is so wrong that is so right. There is hardly a moment that you’re not laughing. I often have to rewind just so you can hear what you missed while I was laughing.

Happy Endings - Airs on NBC – Wednesdays at 10:00pm EST

Synopsis: Happy Endings is a modern comedy that chronicles how a couple's break-up will complicate all of their friends' lives and make everyone question their choices. When life throws you for a curve, hold on tight to the people you love. Every circle of friends has someone who's the gravitational center. For years, perfect couple Dave and Alex drew their friends in and held them together. Now that they've split, does this group have the stuff to stay together? This show isn't afraid to ask the embarrassing personal questions that inevitably arise in every long-term, close-knit group of friends.

Why I like it: This show is a hilarious and writing is exceptional. It has an interesting take on the friend collective. Bonus: There are a lot of one-liners sprinkle throughout every episode.

Justified - Airs on FX Network - Wednesdays at 10:00pm EST

Synopsis: Justified is based on the works of crime novelist Elmore Leonard, including Leonard's short story Fire in the Hole. Set in Harlan County, KY, Timothy Olyphant stars as Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens, who is fresh off the epic gun battle that concluded season one. Season two finds Bo Crowder dead, and the Crowder criminal grip on Harlan County broken. Givens must now face off against the criminal organizations that are moving to fill the void, and finds himself entangled once again with the mercurial Boyd Crowder.

Why I like it: Joe relentlessly recommended this show on Facebook. It was a hard sell for me because of my dislike for Timothy Olyphant. In spite of my aversion, I really like this show. Guess what?? GOOD! However, be warned. I spend most of the episodes wincing because at any moment someone is going to be shot. It will happen.

Memphis Beat - Airs on TNT Network – Starts back Tuesday, June 14th

Synopsis: Memphis Beat centers on Dwight Hendricks, played by Jason Lee, a quirky Memphis police detective with an intimate connection to the city, a passion for blues music and a close relationship with his mother. He is "the keeper of Memphis," a Southern gentleman who is protective of his fellow citizens, reverential of the city's history and deeply rooted in its blues music scene.

Why I like it: Jason Lee as Dwight Hendricks, period, and Memphis is a great backdrop for a crime drama. Plus, it has a really funny ensemble cast that includes Alfre Woodard, D.J. Qualls, and Sam Hennings.

 

So do it already! Watch these shows. I'm begging you.

25 Things about Me: #23

23. I have fallen asleep in my car a red light.

Fact: I have pulled what has been dubbed a David Boston.

David Boston was a player for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. During his tenure in Tampa, he was arrested for being found passed out in his Range Rover at a red light in St. Petersburg. The vehicle was running and in drive. Wow, right!

Upon hearing the story, Allison, Kevin, and I ran with it. Now when we’re at a red light and the person in front of us takes a little while to move, we yell, “Go David Boston!” It’s quite fun.

Now to how I actually pulled a David Boston: I’m not sure how I became asleep or how long I was out, but it happened. I was on my way home from work and I was out like a light. No one honked or yelled,  “Move it, David Boston!” Somehow, I came to and moved along. Crisis averted. No need to post a bond.

25 Things about Me: #21

21. I feel that civilization is validated by the existence of Target and I have a Target ranking system.

Civilization is truly validated by the existence of a Target.

When I started my job at Family First, back in 2008, I was sent to Charleston, SC for a week long training session for our database software, The Raiser’s Edge. I was there all by myself and I need to find something familiar to home and it was a Target.

Getting to the Target in Charleston is a whole other story that I’m sure I will tell you soon, but for now I’ll say it was part of a weeklong adventure I had in a street-signless city. Being a persistent one, I made it to the Target unscathed. As I approached it, I screamed. I had found civilization. I did the normal walking around aimlessly, looking for nothing, wanting everything, but I had the sweet limitation of not being a home, so I couldn’t load up a cart.

 When I walked into the Target, I quickly discerned that this particular Target was a “D” Target on my Target grading scale. Oh, what is The V. Grimes’ Target Grading Scale, you may ask? The V. Grimes’ Target Grading Scale is as follows:

Super Target – A

Target with extended grocery – B

Target with normal grocery – C

Target with limited grocery – D

No Target – Unacceptable/Needs Improvement

I’m sure you’re wondering why the grocery section of a Target makes or breaks the grade. Well, there is a direct correlation between the amount of real estate a Target gives grocery and the rest of the store. i.e. - The bigger the grocery section, the more stuff you think you want, but don’t really need is readily available. I prefer not to go to “D” stores. “D” stores never, ever have what I think I should want and in true “D” store fashion, they didn’t have what I wanted nor what I needed. I left with a substitute for what I needed and a few things that would fit in my carry-on that I wanted.

I can remember when Panama City got their Target store. I came out of there with no less than $50.00 worth of items I no more needed than another hole in my head. I’m sad to report that hasn’t changed over the years. Dang you, Target and your glowing red target sign. I get lost in its glow every time.

25 Things about Me: #20

20. My first job was as a paper carrier for the Panama City News Herald. Thanks Mom! I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I was spending the summer at Daddy’s when I got the call from Mother that she had gotten me a job. Now what she said to me on the phone and what I actually heard were two different things. I heard, “Vicki, I got you a job at the News Herald” and what she said was, “Vicki, I got you a job delivering newspapers for the News Herald.” After I processed what she actually said, I understood her to say “Vicki, you and I are going to be delivering newspapers at the crack of dawn.” Great.

It was my senior year of high school. I had to be up at 5:30am every, and I mean every, morning, rain or shine, go get my papers from the News Herald and deliver them to my customers. Then I came home and got ready for school. Sometimes, Mother would do the Saturday deliveries by herself. When I heard her stirring on Saturdays, I would pray while still in my bed that she wouldn’t wake me up. Most of the time she didn't, but I rarely got to miss a Sunday.

Having to be up at the crack of dawn meant that I had an early curfew. It was 10:30pm. So being a senior and having to be in that early, it put a slight cramp in my social life. Although, the gas I would have wasted cruising up and down the Panama City Beach strip was used in my gainful employment.

It wasn’t glamorous, but I’m sure it wasn’t the worse job I could have had at that age. I don’t remember making any money and I’m sure that was because Mother got her cut first. I’m alright with that. She did do most of the work.

The Rest of the Fence

No, I’m not writing to tell you that Don has completely fenced the rest of his property line. Many of my peeps have asked me about this fence, so I did a little bit more investigating into the story to come up with, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the fence story.

When I first started writing this story for my blog, I had intended to come up with my own version since the details from Mother were scarce. Here’s what I was thinking…

The story opens as a song begins. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd at time stamp 4:40, blaring from stereo inside a blue late model Ford F-150.

While out on his riding lawn mower, cutting his 3-acre plot of land, Don spied Roni taking in the afternoon breeze on her front porch. It was easy to see her as she lived in the house directly across the street from his. She was holding a mason jar and drinking what Don could only assume was sweet ice tea, since it was two o’clock in the afternoon and surely, Roni was a lady. The sight of her was breath-taking as she fanned herself with the flattened wine cooler carton. He had to go to her.

He dismounted his John Deere. With his hands, Don brushed back the feathers of his freshly cut mullet and checked his reflection in the chrome of his pick-up’s hub caps. He made his way across the street and as soon as his feet touched Roni’s property line, it was all she wrote for Don.

It was a whirlwind romance with long walks along Deer Pointe Lake, late nights at the Moose Lodge and the motorcycle rides along Front Beach Road. Their love would not be limited by the asphalt that separated their houses.

 

One night just after polishing off a box of Chablis, Roni, in a pink-tinted haze, thought she saw Don pull up at his house across the street. She gathered herself and ran, as best she could, to meet him. Assuming it was Don, she grabbed the man and began to kiss him violently in the front yard. Unbeknownst to Roni, the pink figure of a man she was kissing was, in fact, not Don, but Don’s half-brother’s cousin, Randy.  

Before Roni could know her folly, Don pulled up just as she launched herself into Randy’s arms.  Don, rocked with anguish, removed Roni from Randy’s arms and then proceeded to punch Randy, in the gut, just because.  The altercation sent Roni’s vision back to color. She realized what had happened, but it was too late. Don was done with her.  Later, Don and Randy would share a beer.

The next morning, Roni awoke to the site of an unfinished fence marring her sightline to Don's house. It was a statement.
Roni would forever be banished to the other side of the street and eternally separated by the fence and the asphalt between their property lines.

End scene.

Now, the real rest of the fence story: Unfortunately, life is rarely as fantastical as I imagine. I assumed that because Don put up the fence, he had been the one in the relationship to have been ill-treated. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Apparently, after a short courtship, Don asked Roni to marry him. She had said yes, but when Don announced that she would get down on her hands and knees to scrub his kitchen floor, Roni thought better of it. She broke off the engagement and that’s when Don put up the fence.

Allegedly, Don has now added somewhere on his property a video camera pointed straight at Roni’s house and is recording all the goings-on over there. Mother said she has tried several attempts to inconspicuously crane her neck to try and find it, but to no avail.

Another tidbit: Roni breeds Pomeranian dogs on the side. It is also alleged that Don poisoned and killed her stud. Guess what? Creepy. The next thing you know, Mother’s street will be on an episode of Bay County's version of Cops. I’ll keep you posted.

25 Things about Me: #18

18. I watch entirely too much television, but love watching it with Allison, Alex and Kevin!

I heart TV. There I said it.

I cannot get enough TV.  The new shows, old shows, reality shows, not so much daytime shows, but definitely nighttime shows. If it’s on, then I’ve got to watch.

Allison, Alex and Kevin and I get together no less than 2 to 3 nights a week, depending on what shows are on. I can’t remember when we started getting together for TV, but I can’t remember when we weren’t.

These are the shows currently in rotation:

Mondays

The Bachelorette - This is our guilty pleasure show and it’s back starting next Monday, May 23rd. We can be honest with each other and say that this show has seen better days. So until they show’s producers decide to put new blood in as the bachelor or bachelorette, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to make it more interesting by developing our own game.

I create a book for each person that contains the pictures of each of the available suitors. There is some space for note-taking and a box for voting. Just before the rose ceremony, we pause the show and select which guys we think she’ll give a rose to. For each correct selection, you get a point. Bonus points are also available if you can correctly pick who will get the group date roses. We collect points each week and at the finale, we use a jeopardy-style wagering system to determine the winner of our game. It’s great fun and can cause quite an uproar in the group. I am the reigning champion, but if you ask Alex, he swears there were shenanigans during the finale and I have an asterisk next to my win. Can you guess who I defeated for the championship?

NOTE: We DO NOT watch this show LIVE. So, don’t text me on Monday nights about it. I don’t want to be disqualified from my own game.

Tuesdays

Glee – We are Gleeks. We love the music and hang on every moment just waiting for all the politically incorrect bombs that could be spoken at any moment.

Raising Hope – If you’re not watching, you should start. It is a hilarious new comedy on FOX that will have you rolling.

The Voice – This show is a breath of fresh air in the genre of singing competitions. The premise is different and the coaches, Adam Levine, Cee-Lo, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton, make for a great TV. I can’t wait to see how it will end.

Wednesdays

American Idol – Duh.

Modern Family – If you’re not watching this show, you’re behind the times. Get with it. Guess what? Funny.

Our TV watching card is about to overload with the addition of the return of So You Think You Can Dance on Thursdays. We’ve decided to bump Wednesdays for Thursday viewing of Modern Family.

Other shows we’ve watched together include, but are not limited to:

The Office

Grey’s Anatomy

Private Practice

Chuck

Heroes (RIP)

Entourage

East Bound and Down

Friday Night Lights (RIP)

24 (RIP)

LOST (RIP and Good Riddance!)

Flight of the Conchords (RIP)

I watch a lot more TV than these shows listed. I don’t have cable at my house, so I employ HULU.com to do all of my TV watching. This is a great site and if you don’t mind waiting 24 hours to see a show, it’s free! Stay tuned for my commentary - Shows You Should Watch, but You’re Probably Not.

25 Things about Me: #17

17. When I get mad, I shake my fist and yell, “I shake my fist at you!”

Fact: I like to have the people around me feel a constant threat of violence. I want them thinking that at any moment I could be shaking my fist and the next, quickly extend my elbow for a “lights out effect”. I find it reduces a lot of unnecessary interruptions that may happen during any given day.

The fist shake has a lot of applicable situations, but here are 2, of the cuff:

In traffic – It is probably less effective than giving someone “the finger”. However, the fist shake is less offensive and in this day and age, I feel a lot safer just shaking my fist. I don’t want to get shot out there.

When someone ask you to do something that need a quick turnaround – My old boss has been the latest victim of this type of fist shake. I did, in this instance, have to give him the fist shake in an email, but he knew what I meant:

I would admonish you to use forethought when shaking your fist at someone. Before shaking your fist, you should:

Consider your victim – Do you know this person? At what level of intimacy? Stranger, acquaintance or close confidant? Can they handle a fist shake? The level of intimacy in your relationship will determine whether or not a fist shake can play. I find that no one is exempt from the need of a good fist shake, but you might be more discerning.

Consider the offense – At what level of fist shaking will be needed to convey at what level you are irritated. Moderate fuming may warrant a verbal warning with no fist shake. All out unholy rage, my warrant a totally obnoxious fist shake accompanied by yelling from the depths of your bowels. You be the judge.

Consider your surroundings – Are there innocent bystanders? Will there be friendly fire? Again, for me, there are no exceptions. This lends to the consistent threat of violence.

There you have it. You’ve been given a great gift. Use it wisely.

New Kind of Hater Blocker

I was at my mother’s house this past weekend for Mother’s Day. I got in really late on Thursday night and missed noticing the fencing her neighbor had put up since I’d last been there. Now you might be asking yourself, “Vicki, so what? What’s so interesting about this fence?” Well, I’ll tell you.

Normally when someone puts up a fence at their home, they put it around the perimeter of their property. Well, Mother’s neighbor erected about an 8 foot section of 12 foot tall fencing smack dab in the center of his front yard along the road.

From the road, this fencing completely blocks the view of the front of his house.

I thought it strange, so I asked Mother if she knew why her neighbor would put up such an odd sizing of fence. She just so happened to know the story because a lady that she works with is a friend of one of the players in the story.

Now, I don’t know their names, but for the sake of narrative, I’m going to call the man, Don and the woman, Roni, short for Veronica. Here’s how the story goes as told by Mother and literary license taken by me:

Don, who lives in the house behind the fence, was dating Roni, who lives in the house directly across the street from the fence. Their love, as often happens, turned sour and that is when Don put up the fence.  

Short story, I know, but so many questions come to mind when I think about this fence.

·         Who broke up with whom?

·         If Don broke up with Roni, then does the fence block the sight of her for fear he might throw up a little in his mouth every time he sees her?

·         If Roni broke up with Don, then does the fence block the unrequited love Don still has for Roni?

·         What’s going on behind that fence?

·         If Don broke up with Roni, then by putting up the fence is Don keeping his current goings-on private for fear of retaliation?

·         If Roni broke up with Don, then by putting up the fence is Don trying to block out all memory of her and doing his best to move on by having wild parties in his front yard? 

·         Do you think Don stands behind the fence and shakes his fist at Roni?

·         Do you think that Roni sits in her house across the street and wishes that fence would fall on Don?

·         Do you think that Don regrets crossing the street?

·         Do you think Roni regrets not picking up her shotgun at the sight of Don crossing the street?

·         Do you think that the fencing is compensating for something? Hey, Don?

All things considered that fence has got to be one of the greatest things I’ve seen and there are times I wish I had a fence.  I’d like to think that fence stands as a daily reminder of an eloquently phrased set of words tender ears should never hear. Well played, Don. Well played.

For Mother

I will say, with much bias, I have the best mother.

Over the years, it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. Our relationship has had its highs, lows, twists and loop-de-loops. Just like a roller coaster, sometimes you laugh, you cry, you scream in terror, and sometimes it makes you sick. This couldn’t be truer about me and Mother.

We’ve come a long way over the years and I can safely say that we are in a really good place. I love her with all my heart and would drop everything if she needed me.

Having her as my mother, I have a lot to be thankful for.  She has been, among other things, my nurse, chauffeur, chef, employer, but most importantly, my teacher. These are some of the things that Mother has taught me or given to me. I’m so grateful for each one.

To love Jesus – As a daughter of a PK, preacher’s kid, faith has been a part of my life from the very beginning. It is my foundation.

Importance of family – Not only the importance of our immediate family, but extended family, too. I witnessed firsthand the care she gave to my Papa when his health was failing. She also continues to visit and call on other extended family members on a regular basis just to make sure they are doing alright.

How to act right – I’ve publically thanked Mother, a time or two, for beating me with anything that wasn’t nailed down or too heavy to kill me when I acted a fool. It has molded me into person I am. I shudder to think about how I might have turned out to be if she didn’t discipline me the way she did.

How to be a hard worker – Mother worked 3 jobs to support our family when my brother, Joe, and I were growing up. From sun-up to sun-down and even longer, she worked to be able to give us the things we needed and sometimes the things we wanted.

Perseverance – Mother has had 3 types of cancer over her lifetime. Through many surgeries and chemotherapy, she has continued to be a fighter. As of today, I’m happy to say, she is cancer free! 

Love for the music from the 50s, 60s and 70s – Mother only listened to the Oldies station on the radio and the only records in the house were Time Life compilations, but I loved every beat.  

Be genuine – Mother isn’t one to “put on airs”. She is who she is and if you don’t like it, that’s fine. Same is true for me. I realize I might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but for some people, I am. That’s what matters.

Love of old movies – Whenever Mother commandeered the TV from me and Joe, the only channel she would watch was AMC – American Movie Classics. Back in the day, AMC showed movies from the 40s, 50s and 60s without commercials. On any given Saturday, she could get in 4 or 5 of them. Great movies like, Miracle in the Rain, The Enchanted Cottage, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Mildred Pierce and of course, Hitchcock movies.

How to be mean – Mother didn’t really teach me how to be mean, but how to look mean. This way, no one will mess with you.  We come from a long line of mean. Funny story: Mother came to visit me at work one day. I happened to be in the back room working when she arrived. One of my co-workers came back to get me and he said, “You better come quick. There’s a lady out here asking for you and she looks mean.” I got a little concerned, but when I hit the door and saw her standing there, I said, “That’s not mean. That’s my mother.”

How to deal with the consequences of my actions – I’ve made some doozies of decisions in my life and Mother let me make them. However, in every decision, I was responsible for the fallout. She didn’t always support the decision and looking back it was for very good reasons, but after it ran its course and I realized I was wrong and she was right, she helped me pick up the pieces.

Where to find the best chili cheese dawg on the planet – If you don’t know, now you know. The best chili cheese dawgs can be found at the Varsity in Atlanta, GA.  A trip to Atlanta isn’t complete with a trip to the Varsity and when you go, you’ll know why Chili Dawgs only Bark at Night.

With all that said, I think she is pretty great. Nothing says how I feel about Mother than the words of the Goodie Mob song, Guess Who.

The only one who care for real

and really understands how I feel.

Helped me overcome my fears and

never left me through the years.

So I dedicate this song to you

For all that you brought me through.

I know there’ll never be another

That’ll love me like my mother.

Word. Mama, I love you.

25 Things about Me: #15

15. I hate with an unholy rage people who do not put shopping carts in the cart corral.

Here are the top 5 things I hate with an unholy rage. I’m only going to list these five because I don’t want to blow all my blog material on this one blog.

1. Auburn

2. V-neck T-shirts

3. Jeff Fisher (totally and completely irrational, I know)

4. Baking (moving up from a lower ranking with a complete demolishment of my goodwill)

5. Not putting shopping carts in a cart corral

As you can see, for me, there are only a few things that are worse than leaving your cart outside the cart corral.  It’s just a common courtesy.

Picture if you will… I come over to your home and borrow a pair of shoes. I wear them around and when I’m finished with the shoes, instead of returning them to your home, I leave them in your front yard. Now picture another 50 pairs of shoes littered all over your yard. Not all at once, but several scattered all over the place every hour on the hour. See how frustrating that would be?  That’s how daunting I liken the prospect of having to corral all those errant carts left outside a cart corral.

You could also look at it this way. With all the carts roaming free throughout the parking lot, they are more likely to bang into your car and leave a dent or take up that valuable up-front parking space. Don’t you value your car or the car of others? Wouldn’t you want your walk to the store to be a short distance? Solution: Carts in cart corral.

I hear you saying to yourself, “Some stores I frequent don’t have a cart corral.” I hear you and would say that you might want to consider shopping at a different store or be prepared to return the cart back to the store yourself. I take that very dilemma into consideration when deciding where I will shop.

The following are my tips to remedy the temptation to leave your cart anywhere except in a cart corral:

1. Buy only what you can carry with your 2 hands. Granted, this will not work for those of you shopping for a large family, unless you plan on making a trip to the store every day. If that’s not going to work for you then maybe consider a family fun day at the grocery store. Hey, the more hands, the less need to take a cart out to your car and leave outside the cart corral.

2. Park close to the corral. This will eliminate a lot of steps for returning the cart to the corral or having to return the cart back to the store.

3. Take advantage of the bag person. Should you have any inkling that you don’t think you can make the extra steps to the cart corral or to return the cart back to the store, then accept that bag person’s offer to help you out to your car. Guess what? They’ll take it back for you.

Another thing I’d like to stress is being a good cart-returning example. When I arrive at a store that uses carts and I spy an errant cart that has been left out of the corral, I first, “bless” the person that left it and then, take it in with me. If I see someone committing the act of leaving an errant cart, my first instinct is to glare at them, but then I will ask if I can take it in for them. I’m always hoping that my actions will inspire people to be more cart-responsible and return the carts to the proper place – the cart corral. Here is how I’m influencing others.

My advice: Avoid the glare. Just do it!

Here are the other revealed 25 things:

1. I was almost born in the vault at the Alabama State Capital.

2. I fear that my appendix will spontaneously burst and I will die.

3. I am allergic to plastic silverware.

4. I have an ungodly love of cake.

5. I thought that my dad was the actor who played Mike Brady on the Brady Bunch.

6. The first lie I remember telling.
7. When I was about 3 or 4, I dreamed I was visited by Tinker Bell.

8.  I always knew I was my Papa’s favorite granddaughter.

9. I love Alfred Hitchcock movies.

10. I am horrible at staying in touch with friends.

11. My Mom and Dad did most of the work on my 4H projects.

12. I had my right hand ripped open by my cousin’s pit bull, Bud.

Honorable Mentions - #13, #16, #19, #22, and #24

14. My thoughts and words are rarely censored.

Dial It Down!

This past weekend, I was once again reminded of how dangerous it is to be single at my age. It starts simple enough. I see a guy. I think he’s cute.  Then the awkward question I ask myself as I crane my neck and my eyes in a hopefully inconspicuous way towards the direction of his left hand, “Is he married?” Which is then followed by the killer question: “How old are you or better yet, how old do you think I am?”

The older I get, the more and more age weighs heavily on my mind when trying to meet someone. Luckily, there is a nifty notion to help determine whether or not someone is too young for me. It’s called the Wheelhouse. My brother, Joe, was the first to introduce me to this concept. One’s Wheelhouse is calculated by something I liken to a quadratic equation, which works for Joe since he is a math genius. The Wheelhouse equation is (N/2)+7. The N in the equation is your age.  You divide your age or N by 2 and then add 7.

Here’s my Wheelhouse: 36/2=18+7=25. So, according to the Wheelhouse, the youngest guy I should date is 25 years of age.  I hesitate at the thought. The danger is when I mull over the prospect of dating someone that young, well, all I can think is “Watch out! I could be his Mama’s friend.”  Case and point: my friend, Kevin, is 25 and I am friends with his Mama. She’s Mama Palumbo to be exact.  

The one imperfection with the Wheelhouse equation is that it accounts of the bottom of the wheel, but what about the other end? How old is too old? Do you just add 7? Maybe there’s no equation for the top of the wheel because it doesn’t really matter how old you go, because hopefully you’re in their Wheelhouse.  Using that logic, the equation would then be (N-7)*2. For me, that means 36-7=29*2=58.

Whoa! Clearly, that is flawed logic. Age 58 will be 3 years younger than my Dad when he has his birthday this year.  So, no offense to the hot 58 year old men out there that may read this blog post, and I know you’re out there, but that’s flying to close to the sun. I’m more inclined to just add 7 and call it a date.

As far as being hit on by older men, this is a sample for what can happen. I was in San Antonio for the Chick-fil-A Operator’s Seminar and I was stepped to by more than a handful of silver tops. A special thanks goes out to Dale for reenacting the scene with me.

I know that I have been in a dating slump for a while now, but if the Lord was trying to lift my self-esteem, is it asking too much if he could please dial down the age? I’m just sayin’ is all.

25 Things about Me: #14

14. My thoughts and words are rarely censored.

That isn’t necessarily true. I do think about what I’m going to say and judge how what I might say could be received, but most of the time, I say it anyway. Nine times out of ten, what I say is exactly what everyone else it thinking. They just don’t have the where with all to say it. So, which is worse, thinking it and not saying it or just saying it? For me, it’s definitely thinking and not saying.

Thinking and not saying leads to the obvious question: If I stand silent,

- how will someone know that they have something on their face or in their teeth?

- how will a random lady know her dress or worse, toilet paper is tucked into their underwear?

- how are people supposed to know that their outfit is ill-advised?

- how is someone supposed to know that the sound of their voice makes people’s skin crawl and they should think about being silent when around others?

The situations are limitless. You never know what I might say and if you keep following this blog, you’ll find this to be the case. 

Here are the other revealed 25 things:

1. I was almost born in the vault at the Alabama State Capital.

2. I fear that my appendix will spontaneously burst and I will die.

3. I am allergic to plastic silverware.

4. I have an ungodly love of cake.

5. I thought that my dad was the actor who played Mike Brady on the Brady Bunch.

6. The first lie I remember telling.

7. When I was about 3 or 4, I dreamed I was visited by Tinker Bell.

8.  I always knew I was my Papa’s favorite granddaughter.

9. I love Alfred Hitchcock movies.

10. I am horrible at staying in touch with friends.

11. My Mom and Dad did most of the work on my 4H projects.

12. I had my right hand ripped open by my cousin’s pit bull, Bud.

Honorable Mentions - #13, #16, #19, #22, and #24